What's on Erin's mind?

Lately, Erin's body felt like it was betraying her. She would get drowsy as early as seven in the evening, fighting sleep just to keep her sleep schedule somewhat normal. But her willpower only lasted until eight. Annoyingly, she'd then wake up at eleven and stay that way, her mind cluttered with thoughts and her eyes too restless to close again until dawn. Despite having been granted time off, Erin still kept her laptop open on her bed, working on a proposal for an upcoming project visit she'd promised to Mrs. Berta. This was the moment to refocus on her original purpose for working here—to avoid being the one to take over as manager at her family's canned goods factory. This additional stress factor weighed heavily on her mind, stopping her from getting the restful sleep she desperately needed. Even her spacious, ultra-comfortable bedroom couldn't shield her from the tightness in her chest or grant her the relief of deep sleep. She took each breath as if it came at a cost, and the wide bed felt emptier than ever—a painful reminder of the one memory she kept coming back to: falling asleep in Amir's arms in Bali. Now, even thinking about him stung. She adjusted the pillows behind her, sinking deeper against them. Her puffy eyes throbbed, but she could only hug her knees, as if holding herself back from unleashing all the hurt and frustration she felt. Her eyes scanned the room: she had everything—a wardrobe handpicked by her mother, a classic vanity stocked with the best makeup and skincare, a massive television, a closet brimming with fashionable clothes. Everything. Then why did she feel so empty? Why did losing Amir—a man she'd never even truly had—leave such a hollow ache? She closed her eyes, imagining herself in a parallel world where Amir sat beside her, watching her with a concerned gaze, his hand resting comfortingly on her thigh over the blanket. 'If I could take all your pain, Rin, I would," he would say, his voice full of genuine sympathy. Amir had never said that, but Erin knew him well enough to know he would. In her mind, she hugged herself tighter, imagining the warmth of his embrace, the scent of dark chocolate and amber that clung to him, making her feel safe and at peace. But when she opened her eyes, tears slipped down her cheeks. Love and frustration warred in her chest. She didn't even know what she wanted anymore. She picked up her iPhone and stared at Amir's WhatsApp profile—blocked, for now. If she could just find it in herself to let go of her resentment, she could unblock him, ask him to come over, and get that embrace she craved. If only it were that easy. The problem was Amir had a child. She couldn't imagine herself becoming a mother so soon, especially not to a child that wasn't hers. Her experiences with kids had always been mixed; babies often cried around her, and she'd never really warmed to cute baby content online. It just wasn't her. But she wanted Amir. Yet wanting Amir meant accepting his child, and that felt like too much. 'ARGHHH!" Erin tossed her phone to the edge of the bed. The door creaked open, and her younger brother Nathan poked his head in. 'Sis?" 'Ever heard of knocking?" she snapped. 'Whoa, calm down! Mom messaged me. Dad's got work in Singapore for the next two weeks. If you need, she can come stay here with you, but she'll only come if you say yes." 'And why didn't she just ask this by herself?" Erin groaned. 'Because you don't read their messages, Sis. They spammed me." Nathan held up his phone with a look of annoyance. 'I told them I was focusing on work!" She sighed, rubbing her forehead. 'Wait, you didn't mention anything about… well, you know?" 'Nope!" Nathan shook his head. 'They're clueless." 'Good." She slumped back, reaching to retrieve her phone from the bed. She noticed Nathan was still standing there, staring. 'What now?" Nathan glanced at his sister, noticing her clothes looked like they hadn't been changed in days. Clothes lay scattered on the floor in front of her closet, as if she'd been desperately searching for something—anything—to make her feel whole again. His eyes softened, voice gentle. 'Erin, it's been a few days. Are you ever going to talk about what's really bothering you? You can't solve everything on your own. Sometimes, you need someone else's perspective." Erin shot him a wary glance. 'Since when did you care? Who put you up to this, hmm? Mom? Dad?" Nathan rolled his eyes. 'No one put me up to anything. And if you don't believe me, here—" He held up his phone, scrolling through untouched messages from their parents. 'I didn't even answer his texts. Just check if you want." Erin crossed her arms, still skeptical. 'So why act like you suddenly care?" He took a breath, steadying himself. 'Because every time you get like this—every single time—who do you come to?" She paused. He was right. Though she sometimes overlooked it, Nathan was always the one by her side, her sounding board, no matter what. 'Alright, sit down," she ordered, moving over slightly so he could perch at the edge of her bed. Nathan obliged, glancing at her laptop, which lay open with its screen dangerously close to snapping. 'Okay, Sis, tell me—what's going on?" Erin leaned back, rolling her eyes. 'What's going on? The guy I thought I was in love with…turns out he's a widower. And he has a kid. So, yeah, what do you think is going on?" Nathan raised a brow. 'Alright, so let's get clear on this. Do you just want to vent, or do you want advice?" 'What's with you, acting all mature?" 'Look, Sis, I'm serious. I'm here to help you climb out of this mess, but we've got to be honest. You're mourning this situation without actually facing it. If you want to break through, we've got to tackle it head-on." Erin exhaled, finally conceding. 'Fine, fine. What's your question?" Nathan repeated calmly, 'Do you want me to listen, or do you want advice?" She sighed. 'If you've got any solid advice, go ahead. Though I'm not holding my breath." 'Alright," he said, nodding. 'First off, where's your head at right now?" 'I just told you!" 'No, you didn't. You just gave me a half-answer," he said, holding back a smirk as he swatted her lightly with a pillow. He stopped himself, recalling some patience techniques he picked up from self-compassion training. With a deep breath, he continued, 'Just tell me. What's on your mind?" Her eyes closed, voice barely a whisper. 'I… I still want to be with Amir. But I'm hurt. I feel betrayed that he hid something so big from me. And I don't even like kids, Nathan. I just… don't. If he's with me, what's to stop the kid from hating me?" 'Got it. So… let's break this down, okay? Do you want Amir, knowing that his kid is part of the package? Or are you secretly hoping Amir will give up on his kid for you?" 'Are you insane?" she snapped, hitting him again with her pillow. 'I'd never ask him to choose like that! What kind of person do you think I am?" 'There are only so many options, Sis. This isn't about being mean—it's about getting real." 'It's not that simple, Nathan!" 'Why not?" 'Because…because I love him," she murmured, voice softening. 'And I know he loves his child too. I'm afraid… what if I can't be the person his child needs? What if Amir has to choose between us? I know I can't just switch off my feelings for him." He nodded, brows furrowed. 'Okay. Why do you feel this way about him?" 'Are you serious?" Erin looked away, embarrassed but nostalgic. 'I've never been with anyone like Amir. He's kind, sweet, and mature. He's caring, and just… the way he makes me feel, Nate. It's like nothing else." Nathan smiled slightly. 'Interesting. I remember when you only cared about looks. But it sounds like Amir showed you something deeper." She shrugged, blushing. 'Well, I can't say he isn't attractive. But it's more than that. He made me see that love isn't just physical. It's something here—" She placed a hand on her chest. 'It feels like this light. Like… a spark of something good." Nathan nodded. 'So, back to square one. What's the problem now?" Erin sighed, covering her face with her hands. 'The problem is, I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do, Nate! I feel so stuck." Nathan moved her feet to the center of the bed and sat cross-legged in front of her, 'At the end of the day, you already know the answer, Erin. You still love Amir, right? And you don't want to break up with him. That tells me you're open to accepting his child, even if it's hard. And deep down, you already agreed you're willing to learn something new." Erin stared at him. "How did you come to that conclusion?" 'Think about it. All my questions are a reflection of what you're feeling." 'But it's not easy, Nate…" 'I know, sis. But every choice has its hardships. It's just a matter of which one you're willing to face." Before Erin could respond, her phone chimed—a notification. And then another, and another, until a flood of DMs filled her screen. She stared at it, stunned. "What's going on? You go viral or something?" She opened one DM: If Erin still loves Amir, open this link. 'Amir's spamming me." 'What's he saying?" Nathan leaned closer, urging her, 'Open it!" 'But, what's this link? It could be sketchy, Nate…" 'Is Amir the type to do something shady?" 'He shouldn't be." 'Then what's the holdup?" "I don't know, I'm still hesitant." "Fine. Open it on your laptop in incognito. Just to be safe." Erin sighed, grabbing her laptop and clicking on the link. After a moment of loading, a simple webpage appeared. The green screen with a cryptic welcome message made her scowl. A new website with various information about Amir's past. 'Great. He's using his IT skills for this," Nathan chuckled. 'Just open it already!" Erin's stomach churned as she hovered over the screen. If just looking at her ex's photo was enough to spike her anxiety, she couldn't imagine what this was going to be. 'Yeah, surely he'll talk about his ex-wife, right?" 'Aren't you curious, sis? Why they got married, why they divorced, and so on?" 'I am curious." 'Then open it!" 'Nate..." Erin whined, her frustration clear. 'Do you want me to click it?" 'Don't! I want to." 'So, let's go!" Erin's fingers trembled as she navigated her trackpad. She clicked on the bubble to the left, and another page appeared, revealing text and an arrow pointing right, indicating there were more views to explore. For nearly twenty minutes, Nathan and Erin stared at the laptop screen, absorbing Amir's background stories, complete with photos that proved his marriage to a woman with red hair. Amir had even annotated the images, and the shocking revelations unfolded before them. As they read, Erin felt a slight relief; the burden on her chest lessened as her understanding of Amir became clearer. Yet, another pain arose as she contemplated what Amir had endured. Imagine, in the midst of a harmonious life filled with sweet future promises, he faced a con artist who had captured his heart. He had to confront the police, battle his wife's prosecutors, and was even accused of conspiring with the woman. Amir repeatedly traveled between East Jakarta and Tangerang, working to support the modest house he had bought for his future child. In Erin's mind, Amir now radiated a kind of light. She wouldn't have been surprised if golden wings had appeared behind him. What a remarkable man. He managed to rise above it all, continuing to work in a place where his reputation had been tarnished by his ex-wife. This was the reason Amir had hesitated to become intimate with her. This was why he said he wanted their relationship to start well. He had experienced the worst, and this shaped his approach to love that began with mere lust. On the last slide, Amir included a screenshot of news about the red-haired woman. Erin shook her head in disbelief; the woman was actually beautiful, but her depravity made her appear cruel. 'What a foolish girl! Her husband is so good, and yet she's turned him into a criminal!" Nathan exclaimed, unable to contain his emotions. 'Sis, you haven't opened the last bubble yet." Erin returned to the main page and clicked the final button. A photo of a small child appeared, looking chubby with rosy cheeks. He wore a wide smile, revealing a missing tooth at the bottom. A dimple formed on his left cheek, and his eyes narrowed to slits when he grinned. His jet-black hair was straight, but the defining feature that made it clear this was Amir's child was his unique aquiline nose, slightly crooked at the tip. 'Hello, aunty! My name is Sheyna. I am Papa Amir's daughter. Nice to meet you!" Nathan read the message aloud, excitement evident in his voice. 'Slide!" Erin took a deep breath, trying to rein in her emotional turmoil. The next page featured a compilation of photos showcasing Amir and Sheyna together—playing in the park, sliding down, enjoying ice cream cones, riding bicycles, and sharing joyful moments. The happiness on their faces highlighted their resemblance. 'I'll be three years old soon, aunty! I can eat by myself, even though it gets messy. My favorite food is carrots because my father says they're good for my eyes," Nathan continued reading. Erin clicked to the next page. 'I really like rabbits and dogs. Unfortunately, grandpa is allergic to animal fur, so I can't have any," the message read. The accompanying photo captured Sheyna's pouting face, red eyes and nose as if she had been crying. Erin struggled to react. Her entire body felt frozen, but her finger continued to press the right arrow to turn the pages. This time, only one photo appeared—a picture of Amir and Sheyna sleeping together, wrapped in each other's arms. 'Papa really loves Sheyna. Sheyna loves Papa too. But Papa said he also loves aunty Erin," Nathan read again, glancing at his sister, who stared at the laptop, tense with anticipation. Next page. The next page still displayed Sheyna's gif on the left side, but now the screen was filled with candid photos of Erin taken from the office CCTV. There she was, eating in the canteen, descending the stairs, daydreaming on the terrace, gazing out the office window, and filling her cup at the water dispenser. 'This is really the definition of sweet but psycho..." Nathan joked. Erin shot him a glare, prompting him to quickly amend his comment, 'I mean, sweet! Look at how serious he is." As they moved to the next page, the message read: 'Because Papa Amir loves Aunty Erin, Sheyna promises that she will also love Aunty just like Papa loves her." On the following page, a video automatically played. Amir appeared, wearing a casual gray shirt, standing on the porch of his house with Sheyna, who donned a pink dress and white wings. The camera recording them wobbled slightly. Reflected in the window behind them was a woman—Amir's mother? Was she also supporting Amir in this? Erin felt a mix of confusion and emotion. 'Come on, tell me what happened, Sheyna?" Amir asked, directing his attention to the little girl. 'Hello, Aunty!" the girl's cheerful voice rang out. 'Her name is Erin. Aunty Erin," Amir clarified. 'Eyin?" Sheyna replied, her serious expression making Nathan stifle a laugh by biting his own finger, overwhelmed with excitement. 'Yes, Aunty Erin. Say hi," Amir encouraged. Sheyna turned back to the camera, beaming, 'Hi, Aunty Eyin! Hi!" 'Papap's smart kid," Amir said, kissing Sheyna's cheek, causing her to burst into laughter. The video concluded with Amir gazing meaningfully at the camera. The whirlwind of emotions gnawing at Erin's heart caused her to freeze once more. Finally, Nathan pressed the arrow to navigate to the next page. 'Please forgive me, Aunty Erin. Even if you can't accept Sheyna, it's okay. I will still love you from afar. Sheyna will keep praying for you so that you will always be healthy," Nathan read aloud, the last message appearing on the screen. At that moment, the screen darkened, and flowers gradually filled the space as new text emerged. 'Is she romantic too?" Nathan nudged his sister's arm, noticing Erin was still in a daze with tears glistening in her eyes. 'Sis?" 'Did you see that, Nate?" Erin asked in a low, hoarse voice. 'See what?" 'His daughter." When Erin turned to Nathan, he noticed how disheveled her face looked. Her suppressed tears had reddened her nose, and her gaze was hollow. 'Why?" 'More like her mother. How can I live forever with the shadow of another woman who once held Amir's heart?" 'But that was in the past, Sis..." Erin shook her head repeatedly. 'It hurts me to imagine Amir with that girl." 'That was in the past, Sis. Amir loves you now, right?" 'I don't know. I really can't think." Erin felt her mind cloud over for a moment, as dark as her hopes and expectations. 'How did I end up like this? Why am I so weak? Why do I love him so much, Nate? Why him?" She asked, not expecting an answer. The solution to all of this seemed as simple as Nathan's advice at the beginning, yet it felt insurmountable. Erin struggled with the weight of accepting Amir, along with all the complicated and dark stories he carried. 'It's okay, Sis. Just take your time to think it over. Don't rush it," Nathan said, rubbing her back gently. ***