Chapter 18

It was not easy for me to cope with both my parents' pressure and what I just recently discover from Jojo. It was not easy to live every day at a time despite I was trying to do exactly that. Living everyday was tough but I did not want to give people something more to chew, I want to leave them clueless on what is going on in my life. As usual, I continued my work and also pretend as if I know nothing about Jojo and Richard. Crawled into my shell and became hard nut to crack for anyone. I took people as they are and did not fantasize over friendship with any. If Jojo, who was close to me, she was one of my bosom friends I don't joke with. If she can back-stab me and still come to laugh and dine with me then no friend is worth trusting. Sometimes, while in the house or at work I will just start thinking about the whole thing that has happened to me both in the past and present, whenever I thought of it I can't help to stop the tears from flowing. I don't supposed to hype myself for any reason but I know who I am. I am a good lady with a good heart who want to see others happy and succeeding. I'm willing to contribute to their happiness and will never take part in anything that will make them sad. I used to be a happy girl, who laughs alot and plays too much. But I can't remember how to really laugh or to be the woman I was meant to be. I buried myself in work to escape depression. I refused to take any hard drugs, or drink my head off or even start messing around with other men. My parents did not only raise me well, I chose my every part to be a well behaved girl and to make them proud but is unfortunate that my remaining wish is not fort coming. I was disciplined, I love one man at a time. And when I give you my heart I give it all out and make the man the center of my life and that is why it hurt so badly whenever I'm left at the receiving end. It hurt like I'm going to drop dead when I think of how much of a failure I am to myself. I have all the qualification to boast in but that Is not what the society want to look at. That is not what my parents' are looking at. More is required which is mainly settling down with a man. My friends are all leaving me behind to acquire this one thing that seem to be more recognized in the eyes of the society. People see you like you have not made it in life and has no right to speak out boldly just because they feel without a man in your life you are not a complete woman. If you are not married you are lacking behind. It feels like a hoaxed, something far more important than your own happiness. I even feel worst myself. my love life have been a real mess, and no matter how I promise myself that I won't fall in love after each heart break I will find myself falling in gradually to the same thing that almost broke me into pieces. I see myself as a failure too and wish I can undo my birth. Maybe it will be better if I was never conceived at all than to come into the world and live among people who will only make you feel worst about yourself and tag you what you are not. Life has made me do some stupid and weird things. Spending my whole paycheck and even added my saving to it just to buy an expensive engagement ring to engage myself. Who does such thing, is sound stupid and unreasonable. Anybody that hears of it will think I am really mad yet that is what I have to do so that my people can leave me alone. And now they are asking for the man that engaged me and I can't provide any. I don't know where to get a man who will play along with me and I will pay him. This whole idea is so pathetic. Sometimes the only thing I want to do is to die so that everyone will leave me alone. So that I can have some peace. So that every hurt, pain and disappointment will be forgotten. No one understands me, not even one person. The person I called my friend, who I thought I can share my worries and burden without being judged, I never knew she was a wolf in sheep clothing. Knowing that I loved Richard and still went for him, gave him pet name, sing his praise to my ears without shame or remorse. We hanged out, gist and eat together and all the while she was calling me a fool and feeling like a victor. I started falling for a man, Mr Ohio and spoke to her about him and now she want the same man too. Jojo is going for every man I wanted and trying to squash every ray of light that tries to come my way. Why…why will somebody I call my dear friend do such and has no regret for it. I want to understand reasons why bad things happened to me but I still can't figure it all out. If I say life is fair, I will be lying…life is very unfair and I don't have the boldness to say that God is partial. Who are mine to even question however God chose to deal with me. He is all-knowing after all. So I have no right whatsoever to question him. If his plan is for me to become a laughing stuff or a mere mockery in the eyes of other people…so be it. But I wish he can see the content of my heart, I wish God can see I have no evil intention for anyone and will never hurt people intentionally. I wish God can change all my sadness and make me smile again. Maybe He should make a man love me for real this time, A real man who knows what he wants not the usual that I have being getting. Not some bunch of confused men who cannot differentiate a real woman from fake. I was sitting alone during break time, after coming out from the ladies toilet where I went to cry over my life. I have not eaten any reasonable food that day, I only took hot choco in the morning before leaving the house. The heavy sorrow in my heart that week made me loose appetite for food. Nothing seem to matter anymore to me. Instead of going for lunch during break time, I seclude myself to a quiet place just to think over my troubled life. I was sitting at that corner all by myself thinking, I wipe every tear drop that tries to roll down so that it won't spoil my small makeup and make my colleague to think I was really crying or had a water splash to my face. Suddenly I heard a familiar voice that startled me. 'Hey…Becca. Are you okay? I checked you at the cafeteria but you are not there, and is lunch time. I noticed you have being skipping lunch this week and going off all by yourself. Are you alright…look at me. Have you being crying? What happened to you Becca…talk to me please? Mr Ohio was the last person I expected to see there. Ever since he saw my engagement ring, which is almost two weeks now. Ever since then, he kept his distance and I have tried to avoid running into him. I have being avoiding him and did not want him to see me again. I have taken off the miserable ring from my hand, it was beginning to remind me of how stupid I am. I only wear it when I know Jojo the betrayer, Anita or any of my friends or relatives was coming around. But after they are gone I will remove it. I was not expecting to see him close to me again, I quickly wiped my eyes with the tissue paper in my hand. I try to talk but I don't even know what to say to him. He moved more closer to me, I can perceive his fine cologne which usually identifies him whenever he walk pass. He try to touch me but withdraw his hand. I guess he was having a double mind doing that. 'Talk to me, what is the problem? What happened Becca…why are you here all alone, crying? Did something bad happen? I may help you if you will open up to me. Just trust me. I don't care if you are engaged or already married. All I want to do is to help you as a friend but I need you to trust me please… Ohio spoke with a caring tone, as I look into his eyes I saw he was serious and was willing to help. But how will he help me. I have a big problem and is even bigger than him. As I look at him and try to explain my trouble, the word got stock at my throat. I was even ashamed of myself to even tell him anything. I needed someone to talk to and I don't know who to trust any more.