Chapter 16

"It is the time you have spent on your rose that makes her so important. - Antoine De Saint. As expected the dinner proved to be quite eventful if the number of suspicious glances moving in between them and around the table was anything to go by. The air was tense with unspoken words and it tortured Mirena to know that she may have been the main cause of it. Had things between them escalated this much? What kind of life had she been living if her only son was now staring at her as if he somehow expected the worst from her? The looks of steel coming from Katrina were also had to miss. She must hate her, Mirena thought. All the pain and suffering their ambitions had brought these children. Suddenly Mirena felt very remorseful. "Look, I am very sorry." She said, setting her forks down. "I have not been the best mother Ryan and for that I apologise." The other two stopped eating and turned to look at her with wary looks that were full of surprise. It was unexpected, she knew so, but Mirena had been intending to do this for quite a while now. Being estranged from her children had taught her a lot and had shown her how dismal her present life was. What's more, what she had with Marcus could not even be called a marriage and in the last several years, his actions had opened her eyes to their sorry state and her loneliness even as she realized how weak her character was. She hated herself and the person she had become. Not that she had ever been that attentive to such things but with time, Mirena thought, life awakens one to such realities. She could not even look at herself in the mirror anymore. "Mother..." Her son started to say, to rebuff the statements that she had made, but she would not let him. There was no way she would allow him to make up excuses for her. He would mention his father and her husband. That she knew, but with this new resolve that she now had, Mirena also knew that she had to learn to take responsibility for her actions instead of always blaming the man that she had been shackled to. He had been her choice after all and no one had forced her to marry the monster that had wrecked her life and that of her children. "No. I should have done something. Said something. I knew how you felt about things and yet, I still pressured you. I pushed you into a loveless arrangement when as a mother, I knew fully well of your relationship with Malisha. I allowed my fear to guide my actions." She finished. There it was again. Katrina found herself thinking. Did she truly prefer Malisha over her? Katrina wondered. "Do not get me wrong. I have nothing against you Katrina," the woman said, seeming to be reading her mind, or is it her expressions that in one unguarded moment had turned sour revealing the true essence of her thoughts. "I am also quite aware that she was your friend." She continued. "When this arrangement was springed on you, you had no choice but to end that relationship. It was not fair and for that I also apologize." "Like I had a chance?" Katrina laughed bitterly. "By then Malidha was long gone and very expectant seeing that she found out before me.I cannot really blame you though, I probably deserved seeing that my very best friend also suffered because of me." "Katrina..." Mirena reached out to comfort her, but Katrina pulled away. "No, if we are to talk about blame then I am also on the wrong. I am not so disillusioned to think that I am innocent in this. After all I did d want that princess wedding and my crush on your son albeit in my teenage years had led to this." Ryan gave her a look. "Don't look at me like that? Why do you think my father agreed to that stupid arrangement? It was to make me happy apparently." "But you acted match maker for Malisha and I?" Ryan whispered shocked at this new revelation. "Well...it doesn't matter now and now that I am in this way," she patted her burgeoning stomach. "I kind of understand Malisha's situation and how she must have felt. I really should never have agreed to that arrangement." She said as she turned to look up into Ryan's face apologetically. " Like I said, you are in no way bound to me or to that commitment. I totally understand if all you want is to move on and will not keep you from being in this child's life. If anyone has to blame for all your sorrows then that person is me." "Katrina..." This time it was Ryan who spoke as he reached out to hold her other hand. " I know and I am here because this is where I want to be. Nothing is compelling me to stay, well that is apart from my child that is." He laughed a little uncomfortably. "And I have messed up alot. For once I want to do the right thing. If you allow me, I would really like to try and make things work out between us...With you too mum." He smiled at her and Mirena's heart flattered even as he took her hand with his other hand, the expression on his face being one that she had thought she would never see on her son's face. "We have all been cowards but all that, despite the consequences is still water under the bridge. We just have to murk up all the dirt and start all over again. Right?" "Really?" Tears were now spilling out of Mirena's eyes and staining the front of her white blouse. "Really. I have not been the best of sons I am aware and yet you still somehow tried. I would like to have a clean slate too." He smiled. What had started as an awkward dinner had culminated in a tear fest. Relationships that had long been torn, broken apart by fear, anger, and betrayal appeared as they could now have a new lease in life. It was all touching really, but Katrina still had her reservations. There was no way she would continue to stay confined and trapped within the bounds of a loveless relationship. The peace that she had gotten from getting that off her chest though was in itself rewarding, but in no way did it mean that she would stop her quest of finding herself. That was something that she owed first and foremost to herself and secondly to her unborn child and the generations to come. She needed to be strong, to be a strong woman. One that would prove to her father and her grandmother that she could stand on her own and prosper outside Dominic Maracheli's interference. "You are going away?" "Yes." Katrina replied as she looked up the driveway in anticipation of the taxi that would take her home. She had finally made up her mind. Staying with Ryan was not healthy for her. Despite the wounded expression she had seen on his face, Katrina needed to do some things alone and away from his stifling presence. Her new business also awaited her and with the orders now coming in, working from Ryan's place was proving to be a pain especially now that he had somehow convinced himself that she was not supposed to do anything in her present condition. "Where will you go now?" Her grandmother asked. She was speaking to her on the phone after examining the possible locations for her new venture. "That is for me to know and you to get into your mind that it is none of your business." She said with a smile, laughing at what she knew would be her grandmother's crazy expression. "Why you..." "Just kidding. But I will be fine. I assure you." "And the baby?" "Ryan already knows all the dates for my antenatal appointments. Like I told him, he is free to attend all the sessions. I won't be changing doctors so it won't pose a problem, but I really need this time for myself." She explained to her. "And there is nothing that can be said to change your mind?" "Not likely, especially if this means that you want me to come back home. Anyway I am going back to my old house so you know and stop stressing out. I figured, it is the least that I can take from my father after everything his choices have taken me through. " She spoke thoughtfully remembering how hard it had been to come to a decision and that specific conclusion. She hoped that this would pacify the matriarch and keep her from worrying about her safety being out in the countryside. "And the other place?" The other question she was expecting came out of her grandmother's mouth. It was almost a month since she first left home, and having spent all that time out there even she that leaving it would not be an easy choice to make. "I am turning it into a workshop. Since it is remote, the house can house my workers and with time we will see how that goes along." "It seems that you've really thought about everything." Katrina smiled. So far her plans were working out well and in a few months, she hoped that her business would finally stabilize and in that way, she would prove to her father that she was worth taking seriously. All the same, she still wondered how her father would take this news. Not from her mouth though but from the many spies and secret bodyguards that she knew he had posted around. If he was lucky he would even get to hear it from her ever calculating grandmother. "I have no other choice grandmother." She told the old woman. "Anyway, Now you can go and tell your beloved son all I have told you you and this too, that I am fine and that he can call of his faithful watchdogs back to him. That is,unless they are actually spies and not bodyguards." "Hehehee...Dearest granddaughter, You know that I am not a snitch." "Really?" "Fine. I do what I do because I think it is best for my family and if I happen to come off as a snitch, fine. Go ahead and sue me." "Well...how I am now living is really not a secret so it doesn't matter anyway. So, he can watch all he wants and you can snitch all you want as long as none of you does anything to interfere in my plans." "He misses you though, you know that?" "I do." Katrina smiled again. "Anyway I have to go now my ride is here." "Okay, take care." With that Katrina hang up and got into the cab that had just stopped in front of her. She gave the female driver the address to her place and settled back thinking of all the changes she needed to effect. To remodel or not to remodel? The question hangs heavily in her mind. Despite the decision she had come to, there was still a lot of pain she had gone through in that place and all the bad memories were etched into the very walls and items she had left there. She needed to erase all that. To start anew, afresh and despite the urge to simply sell the place, she loved the house and did not want to get rid of it. Remodel, she finally decided. She would start by auctioning off everything and strip it down to the wallpapers and then she would begin again, life on a fresh new canvas. As the cab pulled up before the massive two-story mansion within the gated community in the suburbs of the capital, Katrina found herself frowning. The first thing that would need to go was that rug. The black welcome mat with red letters that someone had brought them as a housewarming present. Not because she hated it, but because of what it reminded her of. Her very first night as a wife and in that new house. How could she forget the sneer that had transformed her smiling husband? The disgust and the vehemence after he had carried her across the threshold? She had thought that he loved her so she had agreed. After all, the two of them and their families had been friends for a very long time. Was it so wrong to imagine that love could grow out of friendship? She folded up the rug and threw it in with the trash.