Chapter 18

"Those who don't pick roses in summer won't pick them in winter either. - German Proverb After several weeks of planning Katrina's business was ready for the official opening. It was just as well since all her items had auctioned off at a very fast rate and she had been able to complete all her house's remodeling in just about a week. This time, however, there would be no house warming party or any other parties for that matter. This was her home. Her sanctuary, the place where she could retreat to and remain safe from the rest of the world and all its worries. Her business on the other hand deserved all the limelight it could get. How else could she get to reach the clients that she was looking for? Therefore with Alice's help as her new partner and also her corporate lawyer and with her grandmother's backing as one of the investors, she managed to turn the shop into a gallery and organize one of the biggest parties that were happening at that time of the year. "Are you sure about this?" Her stepmother questioned her. "Yes." Katrina said as she filed away the sheave of papers into a red folder. One that matched her long-sleeved lace ball gown and the hidden flats. "Why should I wait? The longer we stay this way, the longer I get to carry that title of the monster that destroyed his life. So today, with this party I have planned, I plan to celebrate not just the official opening of my business but a new beginning in every area of my life." "Right, but are you really really sure though?" Alice asked her for the second time that evening. "I mean, he seems to have changed alot. His manner towards you is completely different from before." "Different how? You seem to have forgetten that Ryan is the type that can carry on with a facade for as long as it suits him. I applaud him for the change though but I am not letting down my guard again." "Katrina..." Her heart went out to her wounded daughter. They had failed her as well. As her family, they had failed to see the torture that their little princess had been taken through. Not until she had been abandoned and the truth could no longer be hidden. "I am sorry for not noticing. I may not be your birth mother but I should have been able to see it. The signs that is and for that I am terribly sorry." "It is okay mom. Apparently I did a very good job of hiding it. And if you have forgotten, I'll remind you. I was the one who avoided you people. Maybe, if I had not closed myself off then maybe your help could have reached me in time, but then again, my guilt could not have allowed me to allow you to save me." She tried to assuage her mother's guilt. "Possibly, but we will never know now. Anyway, do you think that this agreement will satisfy him?" "I have allowed him free access to the child and when he is older, he can always take him away for a weekend or so, maybe even a holiday. So I assume that should be enough. After all this is also for him. I am only freeing him to be with whoever he wants to be with." "And you are completely sure that you yourself are okay with this?" She insisted again. Not that Katrina's explanation was not plausible but because she was worried about her daughter's feelings in all of this. "It doesn't matter. You can't force love. After all it takes two to tangle and I refuse to continue to suffer within the confines of a loveless arrangement." "Fair enough. Speaking of that devil..." She turned to look at the door and the grinning face that that had just emerged from behind it and was now approaching them swiftly. "Though from here, he actually looks like an angel." "Mom..." Katrina laughed. "What? I am only saying what I am seeing. I am sure that there is a part of you that wishes that this child will inherit all that golden hair." "What hair?" At the same time, Ryan said as he came to stop before the two of them. "By the way your guests are already arriving and they will soon be asking for you." He said as he pointed down through the third-floor office window that was overlooking the front of the business establishment. "I'll leave you to it." Alice said as she looked at her daughter and the hard grip she had on the folder. Now was the moment. She read from Katrina's manner and quickly excused herself to leave the two enough space to talk it out. "See you around Ryan." She added with a smile. With that, she walked off leaving the puzzled man behind to wonder at the two and what was it that had changed their demeanor in such a manner. "Katrina?" He questioned. "I am setting you free Ryan." The puzzled frown on his face etched deeper. What kind of response was that? "I do not understand. What do you mean by that?" Even then, he had already seen the folder in her hands and was already panicking. "I am done being the monster that wrecked your life and that life we had is not something that I want for this child, so I am now letting you go." "Letting me go?" He laughed bitterly. "Have you even considered that I may not want to be set free like you like to put it?" "I understand that you are worried about this and therefore I have also written an agreement. Like I said before, I will not keep you away from this child and therefore I am giving you full access, full visitation rights and if you want when he is older-" "She." He corrected. "Fine. She can even stay with you as we coparent." She said handing him the folder for him to read the contents of the said agreement. At first, she thought that he would not take it but he surprised her when he did but did not open it. Instead, he remained silent staring at it without looking up. "Do you hate me that much?" He finally whispered after a moment of pause. "Is that it? For all the things that I did to you?" "No. I cannot hate you when it was also my fault. This is me doing the only thing that I can do to rid myself of all that guilt." Katrina explained hoping that he would somehow understand her and not take it like it was some sort of declaration of war. "Fine." He finally told her. With that he walked off leaving Katrina to only stare at his back, watching as the final piece of her heart was torn away. The first thing that Ryan did when he got into his car was break down. How had this happened when he had thought that he was doing a really great job of winning her over? Secondly, how had he come to this point? He had done the right thing for the first time in his life and yet his life was still in shambles. His marriage was broken beyond repair and this child too like the other one would be born to a family that was broken. Was that all that bothered him? Why was he feeling this deep sense of loss and despair, as if a part of his heart had been torn apart and shredded into pieces? The hole drilled straight into his soul and all he could do was howl as tears dripped down to wet the front of his white shirt. To think that he had even dressed up in order to support her. She didn't want him. She couldn't stand the sight of him that was what was happening and yet he had fallen head over heels in love with her. How ironical. Maybe he deserved it for all the tears he had caused her, but hadn't he worked hard enough to show her that he had changed his ways? Hadn't he told her many times already that the two of them could still be a family? Then what was it that she wanted? Soon enough he found himself started up the vehicle and driving off to God knows where. All he knew was that he drove all through the night and stopped only when he came to a familiar set of heavy doors with a number of steps leading down to the main path. The church. His mind registered. In his moment of distress he had driven off to seek help from the only person who had ever accepted him. Mrs Beufont. That woman who was in everyway a stranger but had opened her doors to him and had welcomed him with open arms into her fold. "Ryan?" A surprised voice whispered even as he walked inside her little office that still looked the same way as he had last seen it. "I don't know what to do." He cried out. " No matter what I do she won't believe me and I am feeling this pain in my heart that I can't explain at all." He sobbed as he fell down into one of her seats. "Every thing I do ends up.on disaster and I don't know what it is that I am sound wrong." "Ryan..." She whispered even as she moved forward from behind her desk to comfort him. "I am assuming you are talking about Katrina, Right?" He nodded. "Imagine my shock when she gave me this." He said as he gave the red folder to the concerned woman. After some swift perusal she finally understood what it was he was talking about. "You have fallen in love haven't you? And she still does not trust you." "You think that may be the only problem?" "Most definately. She must have loved you to have endured everything you put her through and now she is scared that you will repeat the same thing. Have you even told her of your true feelings? That you love her?" "I didn't know until now. To think that it took losing her to find that out?" He trailed off lost in his own thoughts. "You think I should tell?" He suddenly looked up and asked. "Most definitely. It will allow her to link your actions to those emotions. I don't guarantee that it will work, but be patient. A woman's heart is won over through persistence and perseverance. She needs to see that she can rely on you and that you are serious and that only comes through being consistent and very persistent." She told him. "You think that by telling her of my true feelings and showing it will win her over?" He asked still looking incredulous. It all seems so simple that he wondered why he had not thought about it himself. "If you mean it, maybe. But it will be her decision wether to believe you or not." The woman smiled. A smile that lot up her face giving new hope to a heart that had previously been crushed under the weight of rejection. "Don't give up just yet and even if it comes to that, that it does not work out, at least you know that you have tried your best and for it you know that you have become a better human. God's plan for your will never be disappointed and that if not anything else should always give you hope." She said. The comforting hand that was on his shoulder giving a slight squeeze at the culmination of that advice. "Right. Trials are the tests of our faith." "Exactly. I see that you are still holding on to your faith?" " I am. What I have found despite all these trials is the most peace I have had in ages and that, I cannot let go for things that have never worked out for me before." He told her. "I am glad to hear that. Anyway, you must be hungry. Why don't I get you something to eat and maybe you can rest up as I prepare to meet up with the group? I am pretty sure that they will be very much excited to see you again." "You think so?" He beamed. It had been a while, but that Bible study group was something that he would never forget. After all, meeting these people had spelt out the beginnings of a new phase in his life. One that he could now say that he was proud of and would never let go of, now that he had found his way. "Sure. It's not a Wednesday but I asked them to meet since I have an important piece of news that I have to share. Maybe you should also be present in order to hear it." " I would love that and I want you to know that I really appreciate everything that you have done for me." "Glory be to our God who has allowed me to be of service to you."