Chapter13:Sienna

It was the day of the party, and even though our state was going into lockdown, the club decided having an in house party didn't qualify as breaking the law. Kaleb was with Beggar, a woman I met twice. Once after Killer dropped me off after our bike ride and vanished for the rest of the afternoon on his own and the second time when she came to fetch my kid telling me she's on babysitting duty with her husband Zero. She assured me she'll let me know if Kaleb needed anything. It was one evening, and I wanted to be the mother of the year, but I really wanted to attend the party too. Hannah, who also left her 13-year-old daughter with Beggar, reassured me these moments were far too few to let them slide and one night would not brand me worst mother of the year. So here I am, in a black mid-length dress and a purple 4-inch-heel. I styled my hair in waves down my back and kept my make-up to a minimum. Most of the women in the Clubhouse dressed up. Chadley, Jade, Frost and myself decorated the lounge area and cleared the room to make a temporary dance floor. Apparently bikers loved to jive. Frost took it a step further by adding a disco ball and some decorations. Which I admit looks freaking fantastic. The place looks great and the energy in the room is electric. The men are dressed and showered and the women are looking sexy with heels and revealing tops. Knight, Spade and Snake set up the poolroom for the guys and Venus and Whisp decided they'll man the bar. Since Whisp belonged to Texas and he didn't like parties and Venus was not drinking at the moment because of health reasons, no one objected. Which leads me to now, standing by the wall, with a glass of orange juice, watching some guys and women dance. After and Bull are sitting outside having a ‘chat'. Storm is stationed in front of the makeshift snack table, trying to chat up Frost to no avail. Frost is taking the no communication rule a step further and refusing to even say a word to Storm, which I find rather amusing. I should go save him the trouble, but I choose not to get involved. TONIGHT is about me. Well, if I can relax. I miss my kid right now. "Dance with me." It isn't a question, and since I doubt anyone else is going to ask me, I get up and take Knight's hand. His hand engulfs mine as the next song starts playing. Danielle Bradbery, worth it, begins playing. He imprisons me close to his body, and someone stops me from holding Knight with a hand on my neck. Knight's face transforms from smiling to utterly shocked as he lets my hand go. I turn my head, as Killer grips my waist and swings me around. My breath leaves me in with a whoosh. His fingers span my back as he gazes at me like I am more than just me. My spine bends as I look to the ceiling. He lifts my back up and I gawk at him, and in this moment I forget who I am. I lose track of all the reasons we shouldn't. His blue eyes hypnotize me, that all I see is him. He's so close, but not close enough to get out of his spell. Killer was supposed to hate me, and push me away, but since I got here, he is bringing me closer. "You keep pushing me away, but Sin, you gotta leave me with something." He doesn't wait for me to answer as he breaks the spell and tugs me closer toward him. My face goes to his chest and I inhale, the sandy scent that will always belong to him. He sways to the music. I never knew Killer could dance, nor did I know he could say things that leave me wanting something I never knew was available to me. The song finishes and I make to move, but Killer has other plans, and I turn my head to look at him, as Lukas Graham, Lie, plays next. The women around all make noise as he arches his eyebrow at me. Such a foreign human emotion coming from Killer. I shake my head as he dances. His body is lithe and moves with the flow of the song as he holds my hand, spinning me toward him. Some guys and ladies whistle and make obnoxious sounds. The world spins for a moment before I am close to his body. I'm laughing as he smiles, showing his pearly whites. It feels so surreal, like I am dreaming. The room erupts as the other bikers all start grabbing partners and dancing. WE dance for plenty of songs and my feet ache from the long hours the night before but the pain of it is dull compared to the fun I'm having. I dance a bit with Spade and Frost, then again with Killer. The night ends as the first touch of the sun breaks through. My body feels like it went through a grinder, but inside I am burning with life. Killer takes my hand and beckons me outside. We walk to the top of the Hill and sit as the first touch of sunlight kisses the river. This right here is peace. "Do you think momma can see me from here?" "Yeah, I think she's smiling up from there," He points to the sun. "Why the sun?" I never thought ghost could smile from the sun. "Because Crazy girl, she's burning with love for you, and at the woman you have become." My tears flow down my cheeks, and I don't wipe them away. How does a man who has no feelings say a thing like that? Was this Gods joke, momma always said the lord had a way of teaching us lessons. Is this mine? "Tears have no place here," He kills me when he says that. "I've spent so many years trying to be the stranger I was meant to be, because when I looked in the mirror I never liked what I saw," I confess, "That day I went for Diamond's dad, I was so tired of lying, and when she told me he was her dad, and she never remembered me, it was like I finally became that stranger." Killer puts his arm around my back, and I place my head on his shoulder. "You can never be anything else, but the one who lives inside. They can change your name and your fucking hair, but no one has power to take that fire you have to live, Sin. I know you said you don't fear dead, but crazy girl I wish you do." His words resonate in me like a lifeline and we sit here, under the morning sky, as the sun brings new light to our lives. "Momma always said no matter how many times you screw up, the Sun never misses its chance to shine." "Your momma always had a way with words." "Yeah, she knew how to get the message across," I say. "Sienna, did you love Gabriel?" "I did, I loved him, but I spent more time trying to change him than loving the parts I couldn't," I tell Killer and it's the truth. My love for Gabriel always came with a condition, and he came with expectations. Which was the reason I always left, and he always managed to pull me back. When Gabriel and I were together, it was an explosion of fireworks, but the days before I left we were like two stars trying to touch each other. So much potential, yet so impossible. "Sometimes love is best done from afar." His words remind me of his own far love. "Is that why you stay away from Natasha? Because you love her?" I don't look at him, and he never misses a beat when he responds. "Natasha reminds me of someone, a girl I once knew. I'm not capable of loving anyone. I CARE for her like I do you and everyone else here. But not love." "Have you ever tried to love?" "If I did, I wouldn't know." We remain silent and it's a comfortable silence as we sit here. The sound of my name and the far distant cries of my kid pulls us up from our moment. Killer surprises me when he holds my hand and walks me down to the back door of the Clubhouse and kisses my head. He turns walking away, heading straight for his bike. I watch in silence as River and Frost hop into theirs and race shortly after he leaves. I'm not sure why, but the sound of his bike stays in my ears longer than it normally does. I head into the kitchen and then to the dining area, following the sound of Kaleb's cry. "He is hungry," Beggar's says in a rough voice. She hands him to me and smiles, as Zero walks in and kisses her cheek before turning around again and walking right back out. "Men are needy," Beggar informs me, shrugging her shoulders. I love her long black hair. She looks almost identical to Frost. The two could be sisters. It's uncanny. "You don't seem to mind," I reply as I sit on the couch and drop my strapless top. She lifts her hand up showing me her ring finger, "I'm his wife, I don't get a pass there." She laughs at her own joke and I smile, because she is correct. When you marry someone you marry their quirks. "Are you glad to be home?" I ask her. She got home 3 weeks back, but I only saw her for the first time last week. "Yup, my kid has gone so big, she's almost a whole new child. And I keep telling Zero he needs to stop feeding her that growing milk, but men never listen." "Well, they do when it's football," I wink as I grimace when Kaleb sucks harder than usual. "You should use that numbing cream, else you are going to have no nipples left by the time he is ready for a cup." "Thanks for looking after him, I hope it wasn't an issue?" "Of course, I don't like parties, so if you ever need a babysitter and I'm around, I'll happily be one. Plus, Talin loved being the big one for a change. I didn't mention Joe was older, because that would just piss her off," Beggar says with a smile. "I haven't had the chance to meet her as yet," And that was partially my fault. Killer and Frost offered a few times, but I refused since it required me leaving Kaleb behind. Natasha was not talking to me after the bike ride with Killer, and I didn't know how to talk to her. I knew he had feelings for Natasha. Caring for her might be the way he described it, but they were there. And she clearly felt the same way, even if she never mentioned it. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, but my feelings didn't really matter in this case. We hugged, and we danced but come tomorrow the two of them would leave together and I don't know what to say about that. Her father agreed that Natasha going home was a good idea until lockdown lifted. And Killer mentioned leaving, but he said nothing about coming back. "Earth to Sin, I lost you over there," Beggar says, and I see my boy has stopped sucking, so I slip my bra and dress into place and look at her as I put him on my shoulder and rub his back. Her eyes are so black and right now seeing way more than I want to share. "You know, sometimes the eyes aren't meant for seeing the obvious. Killer wouldn't have left his club, with no sleep in two days to go for a ride telling no one where he's going. SO whatever you are thinking, I suggest you take a step out of your mind for a few moments and see things from another person's perspective." "What difference is that going to make?" I get up but Beggar's words stop me, "I once thought I was incapable of loving a man, until I learned to love the parts of myself I spent so many years hating, then loving Zero was as simple as breathing. Killer might be unwilling to love, but you are capable of loving him enough for the both of you, and that man that got on that bike knows that, and it scares the fuck out of him." I leave her and take Kaleb upstairs for his morning bath. I'm just finishing up when I hear the rumble of his bike. I settle Kaleb on the bed, lying and kicking, and I don't hide myself as I go to the window and watch Killer get off his bike, and place his helmet on the seat. He is such a sight that if heaven ever sent a fallen angel to earth, it would have to be Kevin Stone. Frost gets off her bike and leans against her ride, taking her helmet off as River does the same. They are both staring at him, and it happens so fast. One moment he is calm and then next he kicks his bike until it falls and topples over the other bikes. He carries on delivering his anger on the machine. I watch as my heart spikes to overdrive, my stomach drops as the bikers around him walk closer, but not one of them stop him. His hair swings as his entire body moves with the force of his kick. I have seen Killer ruffled the night he shoved me in a car and told me to leave. But this is unfamiliar territory for me and for once I don't want to step into the fire. I hear heavy breathing and I turn around, realizing it's me. My body spins again, and I look out the window, but he is gone. Zero and River, along with the others, are picking up the bikes, including his dented one. My mind reels. There is a part of me wanting to go downstairs and find him, but the other part, the part that holds me hostage, knows that Kevin Stone was never meant to be mine. The door opens, I turn around and there he is, standing there. When I first met Kevin Stone, I always pictured him growing up wearing a suit. When he joined the army, I pictured him wearing army pants, and now as an adult, I am looking at him, and I need not picture who the boy would become as a man, because I can already see it. And what a man he is. I never wanted to admit to the wrongs of my past. So, I spent years running away from demons that were never really mine. I convinced myself, if I avoided the problem, he'd seize to exist, but here he is staring at me, holding me to a standstill by just his presence, and for once I don't want to run but I have to. I never wanted Kevin Stone to want me, never needed him to see me, and I told myself he didn't. My feelings for him were always meant to be from a far. Gabriel used to say, that sometimes the stars aligned in ways we were never meant to understand. Human nature just found it easier to enjoy, if it made sense. But if we looked closer we couldn't understand it, no matter how many years people dedicated to it, because some things in life were just meant to be not understood. I would like to think my feelings for Kevin are just that, not understood. Because how do I love a man that will never feel for me? How is it I breathe deeper in his presence, when for the last 10 years he hasn't even acknowledged my existence? Until now. And even though he is standing by the door, looking at me as if I am the object of his affection, my silence is screaming at him to see me. "I can't love you, Kevin," I tell him, because why waste his time, why torture myself more. "Why not? Am I so bad, I can't be loved, because I am pretty sure you love me Sienna," He says it as if he has always known it and I bet he has. "The day I love you, you are going to leave me." My momma left, the Frankfurts too, and I am pretty sure the lady who gave birth to me and dropped me at the orphanage left. "But I will come back, this is who I AM!" He walks closer to me and I step back until my back hits the window. "I know Kevin, and you know that this is who I am. You said it yourself, 10 years ago, I am not the one you wanted then, and definitely not the one you want now," My eyes well up, at the memory of that awful day, "I spent most of my life running, pretending, moving. And then I saw you, I was only 8, you have been looking through me my whole life, and now you just barely starting to see me but I tell you Kevin if you dig hard and deep enough you will be disappointed in how ordinary I am. I am not Natasha. I have never been her." "I know that," He walks closer and is wise to keep his hands to himself. "So tell me, I love you with all my heart and she walks through that door right now and tells you she loves you and wants you, you will choose me. You tell me that I will give you my heart. You already own every other piece of me." I look at him and his eyes say it all. Kevin will never love me, he isn't capable of that. Because of that very reason, his feelings for Natasha will always come first. How do I blame a soldier who has given his entire life for our country for not loving me, when he can't even love himself? "Natasha is the only one for you, Kevin. You helped me and Kaleb and for that I will always be grateful, but your need to protect me is not enough." "You don't know what the fuck you are talking about, Sienna. I have been yours since you and your sister knocked on my door 20 years ago." "Then be hers for 20 more." I walk away from Killer, and my heart bleeds, but life taught me hard lessons. And one of those, was Kevin Stone was never meant to belong to me. I leave him alone with Kaleb, knowing my boy would be fine and I head downstairs and out the back door, straight to the hilltop.