Chapter3:Sienna

10 years ago , The night is still, with the stings of a winter's kiss. I take in the crisp air, as my fingers burn from the effects of its nakedness exposed unduly long to the harsh stagnant weather. My feet, though wrapped in boots, wail for heat. "I'm not getting my hide turned for this Sin, Papa is going to be ten shades of mad if we get caught." "We won't, next week is my birthday, you promised," I remind Natasha as she picks the school's lock. How she learned that in less than two days was beyond my understanding. It's dark, and since we were out after curfew, neither of us had any cellphones or torch lights. We went on a whim. My Uncle Marcus was home, and when he was around, he kept his eyes on us constantly. We had to make it so Mason and Kylie were ‘occupied' so my Uncle didn't get suspicious. "I know, but Ky is already in deep shit, after she knocked Dexter," Natasha whispers as she pulls the chain from the gate. "He deserved it," I respond without bothering to lower my voice. "No one deserves to get run over Sienna, Ky could've killed him," She babbles as we open the gate and I pick up the backpack, we packed weeks ago. "He cheated," I declare a bit too loud, considering where we were. Tonight was the night to prank the football players at Liston High Public School. I've always wanted to a part of the action, but my cousins never allowed me too. Which sucked, but this year, no one was going to stop me. "She dumped him," Natasha hisses, and we both duck down as a light flashes too close to us. "Come on, that's Mason," I grab her hand as I secure the bag on my shoulder and we run, with our backs bent, keeping close to the school walls. There were perks to attending Liston High Public. I would have liked it here, but my uncle insisted I attended a Private School. Which meant it was prankster night, and since it fell a week before my birthday, I insisted we prank the teams tonight. They wouldn't suspect a thing. "Come on," Mason calls out as we near them. "We could hear you whining from here. Could you have been anymore softer?" Jace Stone, says to Natasha as we make it to the school's back door. Jace Stone was my cousin, Kylie Bray's brother. Long story short, her mother married his dad and they pro-created, not just one, but three children. When my mom passed away, Kylie's mother, Hunter, looked after me for a month. My uncle took her passing worse than I did, and I was her daughter, her only child. Jace was the only one who literally pretended to be nice to me. I don't miss staying at the Estate during that summer. Their sibling rivalry didn't extend to swearing each other, but apparently beating the crap out of one another was ‘as usual'. Considering his father, Hector, had 6 children, add in my cousin Kylie, and he was a father of more than a half a dozen of the world's population. There was so much male testosterone in that house. I felt sorry for Jace since he was the youngest boy and often got the brunt of his eldest brother, David's anger. So, when he knocked on my room door and offered to take me with him, I was running down the stairs like a puppy following its treat. Well, it was like that going out with my cousin Mason, Jace and their friend Sabastian Delroy. A treat. The three of them would take me to all kinds of places. My favorite was the woods on the Estate. We'd climb the trees and wait for the birds to show up. Natasha wouldn't tag along when Mason was around, and since he was always around, it was just me and the boys. After I left the Estate, those days left with me. I spent all my time with Natasha, or Kylie. Mostly Kylie, since Natasha preferred spending her weekends at the mall and I preferred mine on a motorbike, off riding in the forest. Kylie's best friend Diamond joined us when she got away from her books, which hardly happened, but I looked forward to the days when she did. It made it more memorable, as I loved Dakota, or should I say Diamond, since that was what people called her. Why she changed her name was beyond me, and I didn't bother asking, she didn't say too much to me. Not for lack of trying to talk to her, but Diamond treated me as she would a very distant friend. I didn't mind then and don't mind now. Because I still enjoyed spending those hours with her. It was a shame that Kylie was finishing her last year, and off to Washington to study. I wouldn't get to see any of them. I guess it was going to be mall weekends, with Natasha and her friends from now. I didn't have any other friends, since everyone in the school feared my family, or feared me. I couldn't help that fate, even if it slapped me in the face. I had a temper that unrivalled most people in the school. Natasha had a few friends, but mostly she hung out with Victoria Stone, Jace's youngest sister. They were both 14 going on 15 and I was 15 going on 35. We were all worlds apart except for tonight. Natasha and I agreed. She wouldn't admit it, but she loved the thrill of sneaking into the school. "I have the spray and sour cream. Did you girls bring the hair remover?" Jace asks, as he unzips his black flat bag. Mason bends down and his deep brown hair hangs over the torch light he remembered to bring. He rummages through his brown leather bag, making clinking noises. Both the boys are wearing black cargo pants and dark t-shirt. I can't tell if they are charcoal grey or black. But if I am going to remember this story long enough to journal it, I need all the details. "Yup, let's do this," I say, feeling the excitement rise as Natasha hands all of us the hair remover bottles. "So, the boy's locker room is on the bottom floor. Go right, and then the 2nd left. Mason and Sin will do the showers, and Natasha and I will head for the lockers," Jace says as he zips up his bag and slings it over his shoulder. I do the same with ours. We head into the school, grateful they don't have an alarm. Once we reach the door, Natasha giggles, and I squeeze her arm, snorting. I knew she would enjoy it. Mason hands me the torch as we split up. I hand him my hair remover, and we collect the shampoo bottles around the open stalls. We take a while to empty some shampoo out and pour the hair remover into the bottles, but by the time we're done shaking them, Jace and Natasha are back, and help us put the bottles in the shower stalls. "Are we all done?" "Yeah, I think so," I respond to Jace's question and we run out of there like our feet are on fire. We get to the gate and close it with the new lock and leave the key in the hole. "I can't believe we did it," Natasha muses, shell-shocked, but high on adrenaline as we walk closer to the end of the road to get to our cars. I see something, or someone, in the shadows of the trees move. The shadow is dark, and I instinctively grab Natasha's arm, "What…" Her words die as she sees it as well, a man. Jace curses, and Mason stops death. "I told you not to do it," A deep distinctive voice says as he walks closer to us. Blonde hair, cropped short, with army pants and a dark t-shirt tells me exactly who it is, but even if I didn't know, all I need do is hear that voice. "I said it was part of growing okay, what's the big deal?" responds Jace as the rest of us stand there. He comes into the street and now all we can do is see him, and his blue eyes that glare at his brother. "Leave them alone, Kevin," says another voice, a female voice coming from behind us, and I feel instant relief at the sound of approaching footsteps. "Go home, Kylie," Is the response she gets from her brother Kevin. I never understood their relationship, but I got the sense they were closer than either would admit. Kylie moves her long, lithe, stopping only when she's right in front of Mason. Her legs slightly parted, hips jutted out to the left. "You the one who should go home, I had my eye on them since they left. Nothing is gonna happen to them, though I can't say the same about you big brother." "Why is that?" "Momma cooked, and she waited, and waited, and Kevin her boy didn't show up." "And?" He responds, and I know Kevin Stone enough to know what he means is he doesn't care. He can't, because Kevin Stone doesn't have those kinds of emotions. Caring is an emotional response to someone else's actions. "You wouldn't wanna see momma cry now, would you? Michael was there," I am not sure why Michael's presence is important enough to be announced but Kevin finally moves his lifeless eyes, to look at Natasha and it is here, under the nights sky, that I see a glimpse of something in his view. I'm uncertain the glimpse is good or not, but it is gone. I learned very early in life to spot a fox, and I learned later on to spot a ghost, and Kevin Stone has always been the latter. "Go home Kevin, I'll make sure they all get back safe and sound," Kylie assures him. "No, I'll make sure they get home, and then I'll go," He smiles suddenly, but it's icy, and for a split second his eyes land on me, and my heart beats a million times faster as fear creeps in. Kevin Stones attention is not something needed or wanted in my life right now. I didn't even know he was back on this side. He was older now, more rusty around the edges. "You can go with Sienna, I'll get the rest," He says before turning his back on us. I'm not sure why that hurts like a sucker punch to the gut. I've always felt like an outcast when I was younger. My mom insisted I attend a private school, the kids didn't like me as much as she hoped. But I didn't want her to worry, so I pretended I was the happiest kid on the block. But when I came to stay Liston Hills, I never felt that way. Even though I was the scariest girl in school and I lacked any desire to be nice, I had my cousins and the Stone family too. And at times, when he came around, I had Kevin. Regardless of our age difference, we had a few moments over the years. Some were bad ones, others were good, but mostly it ended with me running away. "Come on Sin, it's almost 1am, I'm sure we still have time for a quick ride. You game?" Kylie grins, and I stare at her brown chocolate eyes that screams of an innocence I'm not sure I ever possessed. My mother once said innocence was a rare gift to receive upon birth, but the lightest to lose its way. Deep down she knew mine slipped from my grasp years before I even understood what it was. "I'm always game, Ky, Ky," I wink and smile as she groans at the mention of the nickname she got from Diamond. We take less than 15 minutes to get home, and another 10 to grab the keys for the garage and get our gear on to ride. "We should totally use those new helmets Papa bought," suggests Kylie, as she goes to grab them, handing one to me. I don't mention how angry Uncle Marcus is going to be when he finds out we took it without permission. We knew they were ours but I gathered yesterday, any gifts bought would not be handed to either of us. I was still in trouble for swearing Ms Drier, and Kylie was in major shit for knocking her ex-boyfriend. I push my bike out of the garage as Kylie saddles hers, before following suite. She has on a black biker jacket, and I have on a yellow and blue one. Our helmets are the same, since Uncle Marcus got them for us and he never treated the kids differently. A car comes up next to us as I'm securing my gloves on. I want to roll my eyes when Mason, Natasha and Kevin jump out of the black BMW. I expected Kevin to be in a muscle car, like a mustang, not this sleek sedan. The last time I saw him, almost a year ago, he drove a big Range Rover. I wonder if he likes the car? When I stayed at the Estate, Kevin was already attending some military camp at 16. He came home that summer, and I couldn't for the life of me understand why he always seemed like a fake. We hung out a few times, mostly climbing trees or sitting on the porch having Aunt Hunters famous ice-tea. I recognized his keen interest in anything was just fake because I was a lot like him. I was living a lie that I convinced myself was true. Yes, I was lying to myself and the scariest part of it was that I was aware of all the reasons I woke up every morning pretending to be someone I was not. But Kevin had no excuse, and even if he justified it in his mind, he was a fraudster. When I was much younger, my dad always said the mind didn't know the difference between what we told it, and what was real. I know from experience now, that if you tell yourself a lie some many times you believe, is it actually a lie? I knew from the first day I saw Kevin, something wasn't right with him. He lacked depth. It was a month after my 12th birthday did I understand how unfeeling he was. Kylie and I were out in the gardens playing with Uncle Hector's golf balls, and like all kids, we were up to no good. Kylie suggested we ask Diamond to make us mini explosives. She was in her element and agreed. We attached the explosives to the balls and put them behind the rose bushes, and lily's so whenever the gardener, Arnold, got close enough we could make it go off. He didn't get hurt, and the explosives were really so small. But Kevin came outside and yelled at us to quit it. Obviously we didn't listen, and when he stepped near the rose tree, Kylie tripped the switch. She was mad at him, and when she got mad people got hurt. The ball exploded and a piece of it got stuck in his arm. It looked painful, and we both ran to see if he needed to go to a doctor. He pulled it out, without so much as a flinch, and I watched him in fascination. A part of me felt strange seeing the blood run down his arm as he stared at his sister. She studied him for a long time, and I just stood there. I went to touch him after Kylie turned and ran away, but Kevin took a step back. And even though he looked at me, I finally saw it. He was empty. And it scared the living daylights out of me. I kept a physical distance from him after that day, but my eyes never missed him. My gaze always watched, even in the shadows. Over the years, he learned to pretend I never existed, or maybe I did to some extent, but it was never enough for him to notice me for too long. The moments we shared were too quick, except for that one night. And it thrilled me. To him, and the other Stone brothers, I was a destructive influence to their sister, Victoria, so they kept her away from me. It was a good thing too, because I was the worst influence. I was a virus, that once I got my claws in you, I infested you from the inside out. I did it to my mom. I did it to my friends, and I knew I was doing it to Kylie. She didn't realize it yet, but one day she would, and by then it would be too late. "Aren't you gonna go on home to Mama, or are you scared?" Kylie asks Kevin in a mocking tone as Mason and Natasha head inside. "I was, but I never say no to a ride," He answers, but there is no thrill in his tone as he stands there watching us. "There are 2 bikes, and as you can see Sienna and I were about to use them." Kylie shows her point by slipping on her helmet, and I hold my smile. Well, barely as I follow her direction and fasten my own. He ignores his sister as he walks closer toward me, and my heart beats double time. "You can hold on, can't you?" He doesn't say my name, it pisses me off. The only reason I bite my tongue is because my Uncle wouldn't like the colorful words. And, well, Uncle Marcus was in a foul mood with Kylie's antics. She sometimes had a way of making me look like the good one. Kylie's anger always came in big disastrous cyclones. People got hurt. I wasn't about to add on to that fuck fest. It still boggles my mind that Kylie knocked Dexter Kent. I mean, the guy cheated, sure, but it wasn't his first time on that roller coaster. I look at her, saddling her bike, helmet on, form so tall and solid. Kylie didn't wear her heart on her sleeves and from what I knew, she had the biggest not so secret crush on her step-brother, Vincent Stone. He didn't stay with the Stones, so I never considered him a part of the family. Nor did I even put him as a Stone. He was nonexistent. Much like I was to Kevin, I guess. But maybe Kylie didn't like Vincent as much as she did, if she could get so pissed off with Dexter for cheating on her. "Yo, earth to bitch, I am waiting," Kylie yells. I huff, but slide down my bike and swing my leg off, rushing to grab him a helmet. Kevin saddles the bike and slips his helmet on, and because I really want to ride, I get behind him. They start the bikes and the vibration of the machine between my legs makes me come alive. The motorcycles were new, super bikes, which were great for speed, not so much for cruising. Which meant a tighter grip on Kevin's torso was a must if I expected to keep my ass planted to the seat. I've seen him ride, and he was all speed, and no curtesy. He rode like the bike was glued to him, and the only way to free himself from it was to go faster, to push harder. I was certain as I put my arms around his leather jacket and felt the hard ripples under his clothes he trained just as hard. He was honorable, unlike me, a liar with no honorable reason. He chose lies to make his family happy and pretend he was like them. I lied because I was selfish. We take the 2nd left and two rights before we are on the back road. Locking my arms tighter around him, he bends as we take the sharp turn and straightens just in time as we hit the bridge, passing the river. The mountains in this region were a thing of beauty. I have always loved Liston Hills. I spent most of my younger years in different parts of Texas. When I got older, I stayed with my mom in Miami. My mother was fantastic, in every way I could describe her. She never complained, she was always smiling and full of life. Every holiday she'd bring me to Liston Hills, and we'd spend Christmas morning riding up these mountains. She loved her bikes, and fast cars. She loved these mountains too. We ride up the mountain road at a fast but steady pace. Kevin makes the ride feel easy. The wind blows my hair as the impact of the wind seeps through my jeans. The ride is long and freeing, I could never get used to it. There is something said about the one willing to put their life on the edge and surrender to the throttle of a machine. Which is why we overcome the fear of falling to have this moment. Only it will be better if I were the one riding it. But I have to admit Kevin is an expert rider. It's later, or later than it already was by the time we make it to the top. I remove my helmet as Kylie grabs the blankets from her saddle. "You're a natural," Kevin compliments as a small grin touches his face like a shadow. I want to believe it is natural, but something tells me I am missing something. The little I knew about Kevin Stone, he didn't smile unless it was for a reason, and I was certain the reason did not revolve around praising someone. But, as I inhale the air, I choose to give him a little benefit of the doubt. People change all the time. "Thanks, you were a little rusty around the corners. But not too bad." Kylie laughs at my comment and Kevin just shrugs as he turns and walks to the blankets Kylie set up on the floor. This was the best spot to watch the sunrise in Liston Hills. It seemed like a majestic site when you saw it from up here. I lie on the floor next to Kylie. She takes my hand, which we have done since we were kids, and we peer into the night sky, waiting. "Do you think my momma is watching me?" I ask the same question I always do. "Yeah, your momma is probably turning in the clothes after watching her soon to be 16-year-old daughter at the back of my bike," Kevin is the one who answers and Kylie squeezes my hand at that one. "True story, Momma never liked you," I tell him. "Didn't blame her either, she had reasons not." "Like screwing Ginger Cray in the barn," Kylie adds with a chuckle. "Beating up Craig Sawyer after he forgot to make their dinner date," I continue with a smile as a tear travels down my cheek. I had forgotten about that time until now. Kevin was staying with Uncle Marcus the weekend we arrived and my momma burst into a fit of tears. He didn't take long to find Craig Sawyer and show him the error of his ways. "I forgot about that until now," My voice is low at my confession and I am glad Kylie is holding my hand. "You wanna know what I remember?" Kylie questions. "Momma chasing you around the Estate?" "Yeah, you momma could run, I knew if I didn't start running she'd eventually catch me, and true to word she always did." Kylie's memories cause a pain in my heart. The thought of her makes it hurt more, because she was my momma, even if the life I lived was mostly a lie. "You gonna be 16 soon Sienna, you ready for what comes next?" Kevin asks, and the question makes my saliva lodge thick in my throat. There is a whole new meaning to that question and an answer I couldn't mention to either of them. Was I ready? The answer was no. In actual fact, I wasn't even 16. Kevin knew that. "I'm sure I'll get there." "You know what I just realized?" Kylie interrupts and I am glad for it. "What?" I say, genuinely curious. "Diamond is exactly 12 months younger than you," She says in awe. "I haven't seen her this week, is she alright?" I keep my voice low and casual but hoping I get a genuine answer. "She's fine. Michael and her are working on a study. She's agreed to take the Professorship at WU next year. I'm grounded until doomsday," Kylie answers and relief washes over me that her best friend is fine. "That's a slap on the wrist compared to jail time. You lucky he didn't press charges." Kevin is right. Kylie could have found herself in juvie. "I'm rich, luck has nothing to do with it. Papa is coughing out 10 mill to keep Dexter in check," Kylie says but her words say she doesn't believe them. "Do you really think Marcus needs to cough out anything?" Kevin's question makes my suspicions about Kylies' feelings for Dexter run deeper. "He already did. But no, I think Dexter would rather lose his leg and hate me than send me to Juvie." "It is sad you couldn't take your pride and leave, and had to knock the guy, because he pissed you off. I stopped over at the hospital to see how's he doing. His football career is over," Kevin says, and his words come out blunt and harsh. And I flinch as Kylie sucks in a breath. "Well, he was going to work for the Delroys anyway, not like he was going to go pro," She snipes and I know she is feeling like shit. "Now we'll never know. You should have called me," Kevin tells her. "Should have, but didn't. No use talking about the past. Let's just enjoy the sunrise." Her words mute Kevin and I as we lie under the star filled night. We watch the sunrise without a word. All lost in our minds. By the time we get back home it's closing on 6 o'clock. "Sienna, can I talk to you?" Diamond asks, standing in the middle of the foyer. I don't look at Kylie's quizzical look, or Kevin's keen eyes. "Sure." I walk closer toward her, my jacket half off my mind rambling with reasons as to why she'd want to talk me. "What's up?" I ask, tugging off the rest of my jacket. "You've been acting strange around me recently, is everything alright?" Well, that is a loaded question. The thing is, everything would never be alright because she didn't know who I was. Sometimes I wish I could tell her, but with 3 surgical procedures done to my face and hair, she'd never believe me. So I smile and shrug, "All is good, I'm a bit tense with mid-term coming up." Her blue eyes stare directly into my brown ones. My once black hair, now golden blonde, doesn't even give me a way. Sometimes I wonder if I ever told her, would she believe me? Was she already too far gone? "Okay, I have to get home. My dad is cooking his famous shepherd's pie." "Cool, bye." She doesn't smile as she walks away and I stand there, with my jacket dangling on the ground, and my jaw locked tight. Kevin walks in after Diamond leaves, and he gives me an expression I know all too well. I march past him, and he grabs my arm. I glare at him, as he tightens his hold around my flesh and bone, "Whatever you thinking about doing, don't," His warning is clear. Pulling my arm out of his reach, I head upstairs, straight to my room, slamming the door closed. This is my hell, this is the price I pay everyday just to be closer to her. But my time is ticking, I'm 16 soon and before I go, she needs to know. Diamond needs to know I am alive. Even if it means risking my life. What about hers, a voice whispers? "Sin, get your behind downstairs," Kylie shouts as I grab my other boot from under the bed. I cringe when I see the amount of clothes nesting by my headboards legs and the middle of the floor. I have never been the neatest and although I had my cleaning moments, it never lasted long enough to make it permanent. Uncle Marcus made it clear. When we turned 13, we were all to clean our own rooms. Uncle Marcus said it would teacher us to have the willpower to finish what we started. The only thing I learned was to make sure I could afford a cleaning service. The house staff only cleaned our rooms once every 2 months and that clean sparkling feeling only lasted for a day, if not hours. I tie my shoelace of my boots as Kylie yells again. "Keep your panties outa your ass, jeez like it," I screech and Kylie laughs so loud I can hear it from my bedroom. Finally, I get downstairs and head to the back of the house where she is waiting with a big naughty grin. She recently cut her hair to the shoulders, but she still makes it look good. I wished she'd grow out her hair for a change. "Are you ready for your present? I ain't waiting for the party. You look good though." I looked great, my blonde hair was curled into waves down my back, and my black dress was a tidbit daring with the 6 fingers above my knee but loose enough that uncle Marcus wouldn't throw me into an early casket. The ankle boot was my birthday present from my friend, Xander. I met Xander 3-years-ago. He was a new boy at the time and absolutely gorgeous. He was also partially Italian, although he didn't talk much about his upbringing besides his obsession with fast cars, which he got from his dad. He was one of the select few I didn't scare him away. "Yes, show me," I say as she beams, literally grabbing my hand and pulling me I almost tumble on my own two feet. "Diamond, we coming through." We head to the west wing where the entrance to the pool is and the library, plus my uncle's gun museum. "Momma said Xander was coming tonight, you can finally have that first kiss." Kylie says as we worm our way through our home. "Xander? Yeah, that will not happen since his altercation with Aliyana in Washington." Xander and I were close, as close as one would be if they had a big secret they weren't allowed to share, but close. However, last week Kylie and I went to Washington to sort out her new place at WU, and we attended a party on the Campus. We also invited Kylie's new friend, Aliyana Capello. The girl was cool, and I liked her friend Lorenzo, the sister Elisa, however just rubbed me the wrong way. There was definitely something not right, I would know. I have lived a lie most of my life. I even convinced myself it was all true. But when we got to the party Xander showed up, and he wasn't all smiles and delights, he was serious and looking for Aliyana. The entire altercation didn't turn out well, since they both were Mafia kids on different sides. Kylie and I mostly stayed out of it, but when all the parties involved had their say, we told Xander and the others to fuck off. Not my best moment, also not my smartest since Xander was actually the innocent one which I later found out. And yes, I believed him. But innocent or not, I was not getting involved with any Mafia children. No way in hell. "Sin, you need to let bygones be bygones. We just saw him at the wrong time, and as he said, he is innocent. And to be quite frank, I believe him." "I believe him too, but I don't like him that way," "Do you like Diamond? It's okay if you role that way, I totally understand." She pulls me faster after delivering those words, and my heart rate spikes with unease. "No, I like boys, just not Xander. He isn't my type." "Xander is everyone's type. What? Are you fucking blind? The guy reeks of sex appeal." "Then you kiss him," "Maybe I will do more than kiss him." "Hurry you two, the suspense is killing me," Diamond screams and I can hear she is outside by the pool. We get to the back of the house and slide open the pool doors. The black glass magnet doors hide most of the pool area. My uncle always said a see through glass door showed clutter and he never did well with clutter. I step outside onto the patio and look around as Kylie leaves my hand and walks over to diamond. I look at both of them and my heart tugs seeing Kylie with her dark hair and Diamond with her golden locks. Would we have looked similar? Would I have stood next to her holding her shoulders like Kylie is? I have to tell her. The both of them beam at me, and I paste a smile on my face, waiting for the big reveal. "Well, we thought since it was your birthday and all and you were looking down, this morning   we'll cheer you up." "Where is it?" I ask. They both look at each other and even though I couldn't say it, I Am jealous. I would never have that. Diamond holds something in her hand and walks over to me. She looks stunning with her mid-length royal blue dress on and green and royal blue shoes. "There you go." She opens her hand and in it is a key. "You didn't." I look up at Kylie and see her smile hugely. "I so did. Papa said it was the best idea. He said a car would come in handy when you attend WU." "Kylie, I don't know what to say." Diamond pulls my hand and when I reach Kylie, I hug her as a tear falls down my cheek. How the fuck did I get so damn luck? "Say nothing, let's take it for a spin." "Alright, don't you wanna change for the party first?" "No, I'm perfectly fine with what I am wearing." I wish I knew before I jumped in the car, how my birthday would turn out. Maybe things would have been different and the last 10 years would have never happened. I know it is said that to regret your past is to deny yourself peace of mind.  But regret is the only thing I can do, because saying sorry for the choice I made, well, that would not happen.