Chapter 53

Carla felt the pain in Joshua's eyes as he said those words to her. She felt like he was referring to himself, to how he felt when he was defeated eight years ago. "So even if you don't want to, you just have to accept defeat. And it's not a good feeling. It will never be a good feeling," Joshua continued. He looked down again. "How do you know when to stop?" Joshua looked back to Carla. "How do you know you have to choose defeat?" "Because it's just what it was – a losing game." "Was that the reason why you stopped? Why you suddenly disappeared back then?" Did she say those words with sorrow and frustration? That's how she felt while she said them. Sadness, disappointment, rejection. "My father got sick and eventually died. I had to focus on my family." Right. He has to put his family first before he can take care of his own happiness. Carla felt embarrassed with that realization. "I chose to forget myself because my family needs me," Joshua added. "But... wouldn't it be better if your heart was happy?" Joshua gazed at her. "At least, you have that one thing that makes everything better. You have... what your heart desires." Carla does not know why she even said those words. She just felt like saying them, like her heart is telling her mouth what to say. "I guess, I'm not enough to make everything in your life better." Again, there was pain. She looked at him and did not bother to hide the hurt her eyes are showing him. "You were more than enough, Carla." "Is that how you really felt that time? Or, you're just saying that because... because that's what you feel right now?" Joshua looked at her, and he seems to get what she wants to tell him. Whatever happened back then is already in the past. It will never happen again. It should never happen again. "What I feel right now... it has nothing to do with us." What? Why does Carla feel like she does not understand what Joshua just told her? Aren't they still talking about the two of them? Then why did he say those words? "Carla... everything about us is just in the past. It can never happen again, especially now. It's not you... It's me..." Carla gaped at him. He's really giving him a cliché right now? "I can't fall in love." That's it. Carla can't help but feel furious because of the nonsense things Joshua is saying. She just shook her head. "I'm going back in." She didn't wait for Joshua's answer and immediately went back to the living room. She saw Ria sitting at the sofa, looking down at her white cellphone. Ria immediately looked up to her upon seeing her enter the double glass door at the patio. Joshua immediately followed Carla. Upon entering through the glass door, the two women looked at him, but his eyes instantly laid on Carla. The latter looked away from him. "Besh!" Edmalyn came rushing to Carla. She hugged her as soon as she's close. "Hey..." Carla looked at Carlo who came with Edmalyn. "Besh," Edmalyn said, tears forming in her eyes. "I finally have a boyfriend again." Carla genuinely felt happy for her best friend. She hugged her again, and again saw Carlo. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Fortunately, something good still happened that night. "Wow! Congratulations!" Ria said to Carlo as she stood up. Then she looked at Joshua. "Congratulations!" Joshua was not able to react. He just gazed at them looking stunned. "He's taking me home right now to meet my parents," Edmalyn said to Carla. "I mean, he already knows them, but not as my boyfriend." Carla smiled gladly at her best friend's happiness. "Uhm, is it okay if we go home now?" Edmalyn asked Carla. "Uhm..." Carla looked at Ria. "I think it's better if you go straight to your house because..." –she looked back at Edmalyn– "because of the momentum. So I guess you should just go ahead without me." "Okay," Edmalyn said. "Ria can send you home, I guess." She looked at Ria. "Of course! I will," Ria said to Edmalyn. "I'll take her home." Finally, Joshua managed to speak. "Okay," Edmalyn said with a smile. "Bye, Besh." The two best friends hugged each other again. Then after, Edmalyn said her goodbyes to her other friends before leaving with Carlo. "So..." Joshua said. "Ria can send me home." Joshua was surprised with what Carla said. "You can go ahead and leave." Joshua wasn't able to respond. Ria sensed the tensed atmosphere, so she decided to intercede between the two. "It's okay, Josh. I'll just ask my driver to take Carla home." Joshua has no choice but to give in. "Okay." With one last look at Carla, and a nod from Ria, Joshua left. Carla and Ria were left at the living room. "Can I stay here?" "Huh?" Ria gaped at Carla. "You told Tats that she can go here and stay here whenever she wants and needs. Can I also do that?" She suddenly feels like she's about to cry. "Of course!" Ria answered. "You can, of course." "Thanks, Ri..." Carla said. "I know we're not yet completely okay, but you're still helping me right now." She somehow feels embarrassed. "It's okay," said Ria. "Let's just forget the issue about Joshua's first love. Let's move on, okay?" Carla nodded, then smiled to her friend. But still, she feels a little embarrassed. Maybe it's because of how she feels with Joshua. She wants to confide how she feels to Ria, but shame is stopping her from saying anything. So she just looked around to somehow make herself avoid making a statement. That's when she noticed the bottles on the side table at the end of the sofa. Ria noticed her looking at them, so she sat down on the sofa near the side table. "Lambanog." Ria raised the bottle for Carla to see. Carla sat down on the other side of the table. Ria gave him the bottle. Carla examined the label. Velvet Lamb. That's the name of the brand. "My male cousins love drinking. So, they created their own liquor brand. They thought of making lambanog mainstream just like sake and soju," Ria explained. It's quite creative. The fancy name suits the clear champagne shaped bottle. "Do you wanna try it?" Ria asked. Carla looked at her. "No," she answered while shaking her head. "I don't drink." Carla looked at the bottle. Yes, she does not drink, but she feels like trying the liquor she's holding. Maybe because of what she's feeling at the moment? Maybe drinking a little lambanog could somehow lighten her mood. Ria was surprised when Carla suddenly opened the bottle she's holding, then in a flash drank the liquor inside. She drank almost one fourth of the bottle's content. "That actually has 40% alcohol content... but I think you don't care," Ria said, still shocked at what Carla just did. That is not the first time that Carla had alcohol, though she really does not drink. Still she knows how liquor tastes. The liquid she just drank tasted like alcohol, but it's smooth and subtle and has some sweet aftertaste. "Are you okay?" Carla looked at Ria. "Yeah... Just... confused." And there it goes. Maybe it was the alcohol that made her loosen up a bit. But right at that moment, she felt like telling Ria everything she feels. "Do you think... it's embarrassing to fall for someone whom you said that you will never ever like?" Ria wasn't able to answer. She just stared at Carla, who stared back at her waiting for her to answer her question.