SEVENTY TWO-- THE NIGHT AT A STRANGE TOWN

Throughout the ride out of Kangaroo Estate and its environs, I was jumpy. Every bumpy jerk sent chills down my spine. I wanted to tell Mom to take it easy with the driving because she had kids in the back seat but it was of no use. She might even yell at me because her facial expression was not accommodating. I knew she was in a bad mood, hence the reason for doubling her intensity on the wheel. I wanted to hug her but it was going to be mad silly. So, I discarded the prospect and just mumbled, "We don't need an accident right now", like thrice? I can't remember how many times. I was not praying to any God. I was not even thinking about any God at that crucial moment. I still believed God at the time but my faith was already shaky enough, because I thought mom had stopped believing him too. The moment she did the 'fuck you' with her middle finger, I started to doubt her beliefs. No, the actual truth is that I had stopped believing in mom, and believing in her faith to God on that night at Nora's parents' anniversary party. Because she had sex with a man she was not married to. Because she wasted herself on booze. Not the mom I was used to. When she started to act rude to Jack, that was another sin she commited-- pretext. She was putting up an act, like she's mad at him for forcefully making her go against her wish and doctrines, which wasn't even what happened. It had been consensual. I knew she did put up that act, even sustained it for a while, because she knew that I knew. Oh, that look she had on her face when she came out and saw me seated there like a lost child instead of jumping into her arms like I usually did! She couldn't even stare directly at me that night. It must have been really hard for her especially knowing that I LOVED my father, Cameron and that, strangely, I didn't remember that I USED TO HATE him. Even the days that followed, she could not tell me, "Darling, don't let any man touch you in these parts, except the man you're married to, and that's in the future" like she used to do. Not that I'd yell 'Shut up, you slutty bitch, don't cum in my face!" (She's still my mother) But I'd stare at her with confusion in my little heart because my whole life had been all a lie. Either people I loved broke me or left me. It was not new, but still it would hurt. Really bad. Because she was(is?) my best friend, never mind that she's my biological mother. It might not look that big, but it was to me. Much later, it hurt more. Because how would I point the difference between Cameron and my mom? He took other women to bed and drank like a jobless fool. Mom did these too, although hers was merely... What now? Mmmmph. I'm starting to get so emotional. Like I felt when my old saviour asked me to make a wish at Joe's epitaph spot. A decade or so ago... See? I'm digressing again, but don't worry, I'm not going crazy. I make sure not to let me. I must stay sane, not for myself, but for my little sister, Pamela Amy, who's only twelve. My painting is helping me so much. Music too, I play music from my phone to block out the noise. Jack too. Yes, Jack. He bought me this phone. Then, lastly, the reality that if I don't stay sane and alive, mom would never recover, and my only sister would not be able to survive this cold world on her own, makes me try my best to stay sane.