Chapter 15

'Hidayah..." A tear tickled down his cheek. The tears started to stream down his face. He was in so much pain. 'Adam..." She whispered. She started chewing on her lower lip as her eyes welled with tears. He moved closer and held both her hands. 'I thought I could live without you but I was wrong. Believe me I've tried to let go of what we had before but I couldn't, hidayah. I can't let go of you. I love you so much to the extent that I had to look for you. Please I'm begging you." He went on his knees, his body shakes with an onslaught of sobs and tears. 'Please make this man divorce you and I will marry you. I promise you, Hidayah. And I swear I mean every word I said." She could hold the heartbreak no longer and she fell to the floor in a disheveled heap as her grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears. 'Adam... I..." Ahmad's car horn interrupted her from completing her sentence. 'Innalillahi wa'inna ilaihir rajiun. He's back." She scrambled up, heart beating at a high rate. She pulled Adam up and dragged him to the backyard through the kitchen door. 'Just wait here and I'll lure him in and you leave immediately. Because if he finds out you're in this house, he might kill you." Adam brought out a card from his pocket and handed it to her. 'This is my number, call me, okay?" She nodded and rushed back in same time Ahmad was coming in. Before he could approach her, she quickly dabbed her face to make sure there was no sign that she had cried. 'Capt, you... you're back already." Beads of sweat rolling down her temples as she tried not to look suspicious. He looked at her hand as she quickly crumble the card Adam gave her. 'Do we have a visitor?" He asked, sounding angered. Her heart sunk as her lips trembled in fear. She smiled and shook her head. 'No... no one came." He stared at her from head to toe before walking passed her. Anger curled hot and unstoppable in his guts, like a blazing inferno that wanted to bur him from the inside out. He blew open the door and slammed it. With so much infuriation, Ahmad unbuttoned his uniform. If he had laid his eyes on Adam today, there was no doubt he might have killed him. Hidayah had the audacity to bring her boyfriend into his own house? Their matrimonial home? And she looked at him in the eye and lied about it? He saw the car outside, he knew who it belonged to. It belonged to Adam. He could never forget the car, not after seeing it so many times before he ever thought of getting married to Hidayah. Oh, so now because he had bought her a phone she had the guts to continue mingling with that cheap asshole? He can't accept that, no! That night, Hidayah couldn't find the courage to go sleep in Ahmad's room. She went to her room and locked herself in. She collapsed on her bed and burst into tears. Grief swept through her system, enveloping her body. She closed her eyes tight, thinking the pain in her chest might lessen. She has never been so disoriented in her life. She sat up right, wiping the tears that were not half way from stopping. She can't continue living with Ahmad knowing well that there no love between them and all this kindness he has been showing her was fake. But another part of her scolded; she thought Ahmad would treat her poorly but he did otherwise. But another part reminded her how much she loves Adam and how she would be much happier with him. Being married to Ahmad was like being trapped in a prison filled with sadness and sorrow. Though, things had changed over the months since she goes to work now, but that was it. She wasn't allowed to go anywhere except the place she was serving. But if it's Adam, she will be free, go to parties and stay up all night. Go to where ever she wanted. Have fun and get her old life back, but this time, even better. She wiped her face and grabbed her phone together with the card he gave her. With trembling hands, she dialled Adam's number. He picked up after the third ring 'Hello? Adam?" She heard him heave a sigh. It was the kind of sigh that someone does when pleased with something. 'Babe, I've been expecting your call. How I've missed your sweet voice." A smile appeared on her lips. She couldn't even utter anything because she still haven't processed how she felt about him coming back. 'Listen, hidayah. For the past five months that I have been away from you, it has been so terrible for me. I can't seem to concentrate on anything, I've lost all interest in everything because you're no longer in my life. I know I've done so much unforgivable stuff to you before. But if you can forget my mistakes and give me another chance. I will make everything good as new. I would start everything all over again and make you the happiest girl you deserve to be. Just say yes to me. Tell me you love me because I know you do and I also love you, more than words can describe it." There was remorse and hope in his voice. She had never heard Adam sound so helpless in his life before. Hidayah took deep breaths but it seemed like she was starting the water works by that gesture. She had so much to say to him. 'Ever since I was forced into this miserable marriage, I've never found peace with him. All my thoughts are with you. And you have always been in my heart and will always be. This man keeps pretending like he loves me, always being kind and loving to me, thinking that he can win me over. But what he doesn't know is that I will never love him." Ahmad got off his bed after losing his patience. It was unlike Hidayah not to come to his room every night. Ever since they became close, they always slept together in Ahmad's room, no matter what. But tonight, Hidayah didn't show up. He sauntered out of his room and headed to hers. He was about to turn the door knob when he heard what he wished he didn't hear. 'I don't know how I'm going to make him divorce me because I've tried so many times but he's so selfish. I really want to get out of this miserable marriage. You're the one I love, Adam. He is absolutely nothing to me. He means nothing in my life." Ahmad dragged himself away from the door with a broken heart and battered soul. He has heard enough. More than enough, even. She had shown him how not important he was, how insignificant he was in her life. An ache started deep in his chest. He ambled into his room as his eyes welled up with tears. All the things around him blurred and with a discouraged whimper, he crumpled onto the ground. He couldn't do anything but just lie down there on the cold tiles and let the tears flow. Ahmad cried. He cried to the extent that he felt empty. So empty that he couldn't even think straight. He cried, because he loved her so much. He loved her since before they got married. He loved her, but... she has shattered his heart, stepped on it and he was broken. Shattered. His heart, poorly stapled shut, was beating hard but without purpose, his skin was stretched across his aching muscles like a worn canvas. Feeling light headed, he got to his feet and laid down on his bed. He closed his eyes and gazed into fields of nothingness, the tears cascading down his temple. He loved Hidayah so much. They have just started building a healthy relationship, he thought. A sigh slipped through his lips. Why not just let go of her if she's going to find happiness? Set her free like she wanted, if that's where her happiness lies. Would he be selfish to keep her knowing fully well that her heart is with another man? But he has been in love with her his whole life. He knew the car he saw belonged to Adam. He knew it. Maybe he has been visiting her all the time he was at work. And God forbid the things they have done while he wasn't around. A great sob escaped him, and he covered his face with shaking hands. 'Why Hidayah? Why did you choose to do this to me?" He cried out, shaking with grief. He loved her too much to let go of her and he doesn't want to be selfish. He wanted her to be happy even without him. With trembling hands, he took his phone to call the only person he knew that might solve his problems. Layla. ** Her alarm went off, waking her up but hidayah never opened her eyes till she realized the alarm won't turn itself off. With a soft sigh, she reached out her hand and turned it off. She sauntered into the bathroom to perform wudhu. After she had prayed, she sat there on the mat, thinking. He was the only person in her mind. She felt bad. She knew he has been waiting for her last night. And the things she had said about him to Adam the previous night made the situation even harder and worse. Maybe she had gone too far. Maybe she shouldn't have said that about him. But she loves Adam and she could do anything to be with him, she belonged with him and he belonged with her. He has proven that to her and she had promised herself to get out of the marriage at any cost to be with her true lover. But then Ahmad... With no second thought, hidayah sauntered out of her room and entered his. He was sitting on his prayer mat, shoulders slumped, head low. He looked pale and sick. Is he sick? It looked like it. She rushed over to him and knelt down placing her hand on his shoulder. He never looked up nor utter a word to her but he heard when she came in and now that she was kneeling beside him, asking what was wrong. 'Ahmad talk to me please, what's wrong? You look sick. Your eyes... they are swollen." She touched his forehead and then neck. He was burning. 'SubahanAllah," she murmured. 'You're burning up. Come, get up please." Without arguing, she helped him up and took him to his bed. She turned on the air conditioner and briskly sauntered out of the room and came back with a bowl of water and a towel. She sat on the edge of the bed, keeping the bowl on the bedside drawer. She took the towel and squeezed the water in it before she attempted to place it on his forehead but he held her hand. 'Allow me... please. You're burning up." And he did. She dabbed the cold towel on his forehead several times without any of them uttering a word. He just stared at her, still wondering why she was even trying to help him after confessing to someone that he meant nothing to her. After telling her lover that she wanted to get out of the marriage. How could she? After what he has done for her? After all the special moments, good times. After all the love, the care, the sacrifices... 'I slept off last night that's why you didn't see me. I had no idea you were sick. But you should've woken me up or at least called me." She couldn't hold it any longer. She had to say something, to feel less guilty. She kept the towel back in the bowl. 'Should I make you some tea?" She asked. 'No, I'm okay." He finally spoke. He got off the bed. But before he could take a step, the world circled around him. He tried to hold himself but he couldn't. He felt a sharp pain in his chest as his head became so light. 'Ahmad you have to sit please before you fall." She looped her arms around his arm and helped him back in bed. 'Wait let me get dressed and take you to the hospital," she told him before rushing out of the room. Without wasting time, Hidayah took him to the hospital and he was admitted immediately. She tried to tell herself nothing was going to happen as she felt her heartbeat race. What was wrong with her husband? Is he going to be alright? What if he never gets well? Her mind kept engulfing with negative thoughts as she stared at him on the hospital bed, finally asleep after he had received some medical check up. After just five days, nothing felt real to her anymore. She couldn't even point out if Ahmad was getting better or not. He was just there, laying down with an IV in his hand. He didn't talk much even when their family visited. What bothered her more was how he had lost weight. And she could swear she heard him crying the previous night. Maybe she was just having a dream. In only that five days, Adam has been so caring and loving to her. He visited her everyday at the hospital and always reminded her how he loves her and how he couldn't wait to be with her. A phone call came through, startling her out of her reverie. She looked at the screen, it was Adam. She had his name saved as Amina, to make it look like it was a female calling. She looked at Ahmad, he was fast asleep. With gentle and quiet steps, Hidayah sauntered out of the room to answer his call. 'Adam? Why are you calling me by this time? It's past 8 in the night." She spoke in a hush tone, briefly turning back as if Ahmad would appear behind her. 'I know it's getting late baby, but I can't help it. I'm outside at the parking lot. Can you come out please? We really need to talk." He sounded desperate. Hidayah hesitated as she thought of what to say. She wanted to see him but that was insane and dangerous to be seen with another man by that time, knowing she's married. 'Please just come out. It won't take long. I'm at where I usually park." He ended the call without waiting for her response. Hidayah went back to the room. She stood beside the bed, staring at his face. He had lost so much weight. He had dark circled eyes. His face was pale, almost looking like a ghost. His lips were dry. But he still looked handsome and will always be handsome in her eyes. She heaved a long sigh before adjust his pillow and tucking him in. She quietly sauntered out and headed out to meet Adam. She opened the car door as she steadied her breath and tried to calm the panic. Terror sucked the very breath from her mouth when he engulfed her in a hug. 'How I've missed you being in my arms," he mouthed. Hidayah cleared her throat and gently pushed him away. 'What was it you wanted to talk about? I don't want to stay long because he might wake up any moment." Adam furrowed his brows and hissed. 'So what? You have changed so much hidayah. This isn't the girl I knew before. You used to be so free and nonchalant. You don't give a damn about anyone's opinion, but now any small thing, ahmad, ahmad..." 'Adam..." She cuts him off. 'I'm still the girl you first met. I never changed. But you know we still have to be careful, right? I don't want us to be seen together, at least not now. The right time will come, I promise." She held his hand and kissed his knuckle. A smile flickered on his lips. 'Now I have an idea. It has been almost a week and there's no sign of him getting discharged. Why not show him that you're tired and you can't continue taking care of him and then ask for a divorce. Course a scene if possible, by then he'll get infuriated and have no choice but to divorce you." Adam grinned from ear to ear like someone who had just won a jackpot. She gaped her eyes at him. The sudden shock making her tense her muscles. 'Yes baby, this is the right time to do that... unless... you don't want us to be together..." 'No...no not at all. I just... I thought we should wait a little longer till he...." 'Get out!" He grunted. 'But, Adam..." He raised his hand making her to go mute. 'If you can't do that just tell me. Tell me you don't love me and you don't want to be with me. I will let you be, I promise." She stared at him in total dismay. 'I have to go." She kissed his cheek and alight from the car. His lips curved upwards. That simple gesture had given him answer to his unanswered questions. Like a zombie, she walked back into the hospital, feeling empty. Her head begin to swirl as a stabbing pain penetrates in her lower abdomen. She placed her hand on the wall for support but that wasn't enough. She couldn't hold it. Her body fell into deep abyss. Her stomach felt like a whirl pool ready to engulf her with no remorse. She couldn't breathe, the oxygen suffocated her lungs. All she could think of was when was it going to end. The knots in her belly were worsening. She was about to throw up her dinner when she looked down at the floor that looked like it was a thousand meter far. Hidayah could hear someone speak to her but it was too late. She blanked out. She woke up suddenly, not because of any noise or interruption, yet because her nightmare had come to its conclusion. 'Ahmad..." She sat up right, gasping for air. She looked around the unfamiliar room. 'Mrs. Ahmad..." She briskly turned when she heard the familiar voice. 'You blanked out like two hours ago. How are you feeling now?" 'I'm fine. Where's Ahmad?" She was still dizzy but chose to ignore it. Ahmad was more important than anything to her at the moment. 'He's fine and he's still asleep. I asked the nurses to keep an eye on him. Do you feel any pain?" She shook her head. He nodded his head then averted his gaze to her chart. 'Well... feel blessed because you'll soon be a mom. A wonderful phase is about to begin. Congrats!" Terror washed over her, raising the fine hairs on the back of her neck. 'I'm pregnant?"