Chapter 21

Three weeks later. ‘This depression,' Hidayah thought. It was as if there was a force pressing down on her. It was yet another day of drowning, the cold wash only she could feel. She has stopped asking 'why me". In this depression she's not seeking for happier version of her. She couldn't recall the last time she reached out for that happy adult-self she once was, the adult who loved sunshine and rain all the same. She has started to see darkness around the lights instead of the other way around, and soon there were no more colours in her world. They say there was a rope ladder out of depression, one you can use to climb out of it, the problem was that she just couldn't find the will to reach out for the first rung, let alone try. 'Ya hidayah," Nafisa called out. 'I made milkshakes today. You have to try it." She cheered, passing a cup filled with vanilla mixed with chocolate milkshake. Hidayah grimaced and shook her head. Nafisa examined her sister. Hidayah has been like that for so long that she couldn't keep count. She settled down beside her on the sofa and gently gave her shoulder a squeeze. 'I'm really sorry this happened to you..." Hidayah shook her head. 'Don't worry. Whatever it is, I caused and I have to face the consequences." She had now learned to keep buried deep inside. Nafisa sighed in frustration, unable to find comforting words to tell her elder sister. Ahmad's wedding was just two days away and there was nothing Hidayah could do about it. She had lost all her energy to fight anymore. She had become so silent and distant. Crying had become her only habit. If anyone would tell her she would be so obsessed with him or even bother herself about him in the past, she would never believe it. But here she was, burying herself in this sorrow she wasn't sure if it would ever go away. She looked at Nafisa. 'Why aren't there any guests or relatives here yet? Aren't they coming for the wedding?" She asked, softly. She kept wondering why there wasn't any sign of any guests. And the wedding was just two days away. 'Oh... uh... he- he said he doesn't want much people here since there won't be much going on. It's just the wedding Fatiha, that's all. So, it's only our aunties and few of our uncles coming." Nafisa felt a lump in her throat but ignored it. 'Oh, ok!" She said, clearing her throat. Pressure building inside her chest. 'I have to go now." With slow and sluggish movement, hidayah got off the couch. She took her veil and handbag. 'Tell ummah I was here." She only met Nafisa when she arrived early. Ummah was busy with the wedding preparation; as Nafisa told her. She grimaced, clenching her forehead with her hand as a tidal wave of dizziness hit her. She couldn't believe that her own mother was helping her husband to add another wife. It was devastating and heart wrecking. 'Are you sure you can drive?" Nafisa asked worriedly. Hidayah peered at her and nodded. 'I'm okay." She arrived home and met him in the living room, sorting out some clothes. She stared at the clothes; it was new fabrics and so many accessories. Her stomach seemed to rise to her throat. 'Uh- you're back. Been waiting for you. So... because the wedding was in such short notice, I didn't have the time to make a whole suitcase for you. But, manage this before I have time to make new set of clothes for you just like Layla's." Hidayah still thought he was joking about the wedding until she spotted his new kaftaan's he was going to use for the wedding and now new clothes for her? Luxury laces, super wax, expensive accessories, shoes, and so many more. He packed up his new kaftaans and hats before leaving her there in the living room. She slumped over in the sofa after hearing what he had told her. She let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes. She felt a small lump, sitting in her throat. Ahmad really wasn't ready to believe that she has changed and she was willing to be a good wife. She was ready to let bygones be bygones. Leave everything in the past and start a whole new life. But Ahmad was dead serious. He was dead serious about making her pay back for everything she had done. It was a day to his wedding, hidayah didn't even have the strength to get ready and go to work. To hell with the work. Worse thing that could was not give her her allowance and she didn't give a damn about it. She paced back and forth, checking for more updates about Ahmad's wedding. Layla's friend had just posted updates about the wedding. Their picture together, the invitation card, the wedding prep... Hidayah's friends weren't helping matters by sending her screenshots of what she had already seen, making her to panic more. Her heart was pounding against her ribs supposedly trying to fulfil a thousand beats. She heard some distant chatter coming from the house compound. It sound like a group of men. She briskly stepped out, peeping from the balcony. It was Ahmad and his friends. They all looked dressed up and ravishing, looking like they went to an event or something. He bid them goodnight and sauntered into the house. She felt a sudden sickening sensation throughout her body as she made her way back to her room. Her phone chimed and she swiftly checked, it was another message, yet from one of her friends--- showing her videos and pictures of her husband with his bride to be. Layla's friends were now making a count down to the wedding Fatiha. Her heart did a somersault. 'Innalillahi Wa'inna Ilaihir Raji'un." She murmured as she felt warm tears cascade down her cheeks. She wiped her cheeks but that didn't stop the tears from falling. The streams of tears flowed faster than her heartbeat. Hidayah clenched on her hair as she paced around her room. Was this the end of her? Because she felt like her heart was about to fail her. She continued pacing around till her knees and feet almost gave up on her. She settled down on the edge of the bed and checked her phone again. So many disheartening posts on there. She tossed the phone away and laid down. She had wiped her eyes so much they were red and swollen now. Hidayah didn't notice it was midnight till she couldn't hear a single sound but a distant laughter and chatter coming from Ahmad's room. She sat up on the bed, looking around her scattered room. Was she just going to sit there and let him actually do this--- She got off the bed. She didn't think she could let him do that. She barged into his room and collapsed on the floor, just inches away from him. He sat up right promptly just as he cut the call. His heart skipped a beat while he examined how wrecked she looked. She crawled to him, kneeling before him. 'Please, please Ahmad, I'm begging you not to get married to that girl or any other girl. By Allah I'd kill myself if you do. I can't take it anymore... please... please don't. It hurts..." The sound of her sobs and wails echoed through the room. 'Are you threatening me?" His word was a demand and an accusation. She shook her head briskly. 'No, no its not like that. I'm not, I swear." Then he shrugged his shoulder. 'Well, the deed has been done. Or do you want me to look like a betrayer? Or to disappoint someone when I certainly know you haven't changed and you'd never do what I want. Hidayah, I know you so well. I know you're all faking this just so I can cancel the wedding. You better stop crying and wasting your energy because tomorrow by this time, I'd be with my new wife." Tears of pain kept running down her red cheeks. She mumbled incoherent things through her hand and choked on her words. He stared at her, kneeling before him. He sighed and shook his head. 'Please, kindly step out of my room. I was on a phone call before you interrupted me. Just... Get Out!" He demanded but Hidayah didn't move an inch. Instead, she grabbed his leg and continued repeating her previous words about committing suicide. 'I'm not leaving here until you announce that you're canceling the wedding." He hissed, nudging her away before he left the room for her. More tears split over and flowed down her face like a river escaping a dam. Her eyes bled with pain and he didn't seem to care even if she dies. He slumped on the sofa and sighed. It always hurt him to see Hidayah in pain, but what could he do? If she hadn't start all of this, they weren't be in this situation. Now he has to do something he doesn't intend on doing at the first place. Thinking about it made a shudder from his feet travel to his head. He laid there for as long as he could remember, waiting to hear if she'd come out but she never did. He checked the time, it was almost 1 in the night. A strange feeling washed over him with unbreakable force. Promptly, he rise to his feet and head to his room. He found her fast asleep on the edge of the bed. He smiled; she must've fallen asleep while she was still crying. He approached her and knelt down. He placed his hands gently on the sides of her tear-stained face. With a yearning expression, he stared at her. He picked her up, her head close to his chest and hidayah could swear she could hear his heartbeat slowly accelerating despite the fact she was sleeping. He placed her on the bed and hugged her close. His face softened while stroking and kissing her, just as he whispered sweet nothings to her. 'You're the best, hidayah. I know keep annoying you, causing you pain and shoving you away but you still manage to deal with me every single time. Loving you has showed me the world in a new light. I know now how it feels to love someone to the extent of madness and loving someone in a way that surpasses most expectations that one holds for being love. I know things aren't going the way we wanted, nevertheless I love you the way you are. And I'm willing to be a better husband for you." He didn't mind spilling out his heart because he knew Hidayah was a heavy sleeper most of the times. He closed his eyes, giving her a long affectionate embrace. In her sleep, she wrapped her arms around him and snuggled in. In her dream, she wished it could come true--- those soothing and loving complements. The warm, tender kisses. The hugs. Everything felt so real. He stroked her back as he showered her neck and chest with light kisses. She showed her concern by silent attention; he could feel it. Ahmad lands a gentle kiss on her lips, smiling as his right hand traveled down to her thighs. Hidayah inhaled sharply by the mere gesture. Every kiss has a raw intensity breathing fast, heart rates faster. Then before he knew it, let alone control his feeling, Ahmad got intimate with Hidayah that night. It left him in awe how loving, soft and willing she was but most of all, how he managed to still not wake her up. He rolled over back to his side and caressed her cheek as he looked adoringly at her. It was a piece of her she gave him without even knowing she did. He pulls her closer to his chest, feeling a fire ignite. Her touch helps him forget the pain he was in. Soon, he drift into a comfortable sleep... Before she had woken up, Ahmad had already fixed her night dress back the way it was and left the room as though he didn't sleep there. Few minutes to Fajr, hidayah slowly opened her eyes. She looked around and briskly sat up. She shivered as she hugged her body. That was all a dream? It felt so real how he caressed her, showered her with loving words, light and teasing kisses--- before making love to her. How was that not true? It all felt so real. How could it be possibly real when he didn't even sleep in the same room with her? Hidayah shook her head and swallowed a lump in her throat. She exhaled, releasing some of the tension that had built up in her shoulders.