Chapter 19 : The Confession

| The Confession | WE decided to talk in the park near the library. Linus is famous and I don't want to risk my image nor my reputation being ruined by his fans. This is the only park I know that is far from the dorms and establishments. Sometimes we go here during our free time. Nena found this place. I sat on the bench, and he sat on the other side. I've heard his deep sigh as if he's nervous or what, but I didn't take a glimpse. I look up in the sky. It was dark and shady. The night is getting deep as the moon shines fully. It was just half but it was bright and beautiful. The stars that surround it were shimmering, it looks like crystals when they first occupy with the light. It seems like they're giving me hope every day. If I can see them twinkling, there's always be hope for everything. Back to my thoughts, I will not let myself deny again what I truly feel. The past few days, the more I deny it, the more pain I will feel. I will admit, I like him. This was my first time, and I don't what exactly to do. But because of my friend's advice, I think I can handle it now. Who else would help me conquer this if it's not me? No one, but myself. Since I started to get attached to him, I became more self-conscious that I even put myself in a dietary plan. Yes, dieting was the first I did, though part of it was Reina who keeps me doing it since then. I know a man like him wants a woman with a slim, perfect figure, but I know I can't achieve that body goal because I was born this way. I love food. Well, I'm not that chubby—I have figures. I don't have too much belly fat, it was just perfect as what I see. Sometimes when I took a glimpse of him, I blush or avert my eyes. It feels like my nerves have become super-sensitive. I also find myself thinking about him a lot. And when he got absent today, my enthusiasm diminishes. I know I'm attracted that every casual glance can take me on enormous significance. Sometimes, I also re-read things—looking for signs of his feelings. "I'm sorry," he started. I glanced at him and found out that he's staring at me. I immediately avert my eyes in front. "For what?" I close my eyes when I realized what I've just asked. It was a stupid question. "I'm sorry for kissing you. I know you were surprised—" "Who wouldn't be right?" I cut in and let out a sarcastic laugh. "You just disrespect me inside your house, you even threaten me that you won't pass the reaction paper. You rolled your eyes on me when we first met, you're distancing yourself to me after the incident that I called you your highness, and one moment, you dragged me and kissed me?" I laughed again, holding myself not to let out a single tear out of anger, confusion, loss. "Who would not be surprised with that, huh?" I asked and faced him. "Now, what is your problem?" He remains silent. "What? Why? What are we doing here? Why do we need to talk? What do we need to talk about, Linus?" I'm not gonna cry. You're not gonna cry, Becca, my mind whispered. "I'm sorry—" "Accepted. Is that all about? You're sorry? Fine, I accept it. Then what else?" I asked, bravely. He heaved a deep sigh again. "I like you." Being deaf by the loud thud of my chest, I didn't hear what he said. "What?" "I don't know, but I like you, Becca. One day I just woke up seeing you in my thoughts. Hearing you inside my mind. That I even enter the job just to see you every day." "H-How? When?" "Since the day we talk in the Underground. I'm sorry that I kissed you without your permission, but I can't resist it anymore. I can't hold this anymore—" "You know that we can't be together. We're not made for each other. Maybe… maybe it was just nothing. Maybe you're just telling that, but you don't mean it. You're just confused." Like me, I want to add. "No. I'm certain about it. I like you. And if you won't believe me, I'll prove it to you. I will court you—" "No!" I stopped him. "I want a peaceful life, Linus. You're famous and what would you think will happen when your fans know about this, that you're courting a commoner?" "They're not the one who likes you, I am. They have nothing to do, nothing to say, whom I like, and what I'm wanting to do." Upon hearing it a tear fell from my eyes. Can't believe that this was happening. "If I want to court you, I will. Don't mind what other people say. They're not the ones whom I want to be with. It was you, Becca. Only you," he said with sincerity in his words. "Linus, I've never been into this. this confession, this courting. Ever since I've never been in a situation where I'm going to risk my heart over something. I know you're aware that I like you too. You can see it in my actions, anyway. being in the first time makes you vulnerable. You will be in a breakable stage. Too many what-ifs in your thought. Falling in love or having a boyfriend during my college days are not included in my goal. I hope you'll understand," I said and stood up. I need to stay away before I'm seeing myself agreeing to what he wants. For once, I made a decision that was hard to accept, and it was against what I truly feel, and what I truly want. "I will still court you. And I'm not giving up," he said that stopped me. "I'm a fighter. A fighter doesn't give up. If you're afraid that someone will know about this, I will hide it and make sure to it that no one will know and see. It will be just you and me, Becca. Just let me." I didn't respond and I hope he will get the message that silence means yes. I'm not vocal in my words. I prefer to keep them by myself. I only watch this in movies, read this in books, and here I am, experiencing all of it. I didn't know that having this feeling can make you insane. I can't think straight right now, covered by my thoughts and my emotions. I'm happy at the same time I'm not. Because you are just afraid, whispered the corner of my mind. Am I? Fear can take you down if you let it evade your soul. I'm afraid of how life could change of the unknown, of failure, and what others would think. And I was afraid of taking risks. When I agree with the courtship, I know I will be taking the risk. I know he can feel that I like him too, that I'm not vocal about it. I hope he receives what I meant. It is my first time liking someone and if this takes longer it may turn into love. Those sweaty palms, stomach butterflies fluttering so fast you don't want to eat, and increased heartbeat, and yes, even anxiety—it's all I can feel.