79

CHAPTER SEVENTY-NINE ROSE AMARA'S POV I hate seeing her anguished like this. It feels as if I'm amputating a limb or something. I hold her to my side by the shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Maria. Everyone was there, and I couldn't endanger your life." Her brows stay drawn together, unconvinced, so I continue, "Your absence was like having an empty hole in my chest, but I couldn't bring you in. Not when your life, Arden's, and Karl's are at stake." That makes her wrap an arm around my waist. 'I know, but it still sucks." 'I'm sorry." "Sorry doesn't fix the fact that you hid it from me." She pushes back. "I can try to understand not being invited, but we talk all the time—how come you never mentioned it? Would you have ever told me if Ethan hadn't come to visit?" I glare at him. The jerk is meddling in business that doesn't concern him. His expression remains the same, and even though he's playing with Arden, he's barely smiling. 'It was an arranged marriage. I didn't think it would last," I tell Maria. 'I still don't." If I expected a reaction from Ethan, I'm disappointed as he gives none, indulging Arden by letting him run the toy car on his chest. "But why?" Maria's brows furrowed. "Ethan seems like a great guy. He was the guard protecting you seven years ago, right?" Of course, Maria would remember stupid details like that. 'Let's talk somewhere else." I take her by the hand. 'I came here for something urgent." Ethan brings out his phone and types while his other hand holds Arden. My phone vibrates, and I check it while holding Maria's hand. Ethan: Don't alarm her for no reason. I already cared for the man Pharaoah sent to plant something in the house. Don't tell her to pack and leave because that will only put her in more danger. You can protect her better when you always know where she is. I hate how right he is. Besides, knowing Maria, she'll also think I'm in danger and wouldn't budge from here, not to mention both her and Karl's lives are here. All their friends and her entire social circle are in this place. Typing back, I don't look at him. Rose: How did you know about this? Ethan: Laye told me about Pharaoah's plans. He owes me one. 'Rose, what is it?" Maria tugs on my hand. 'Nothing." I breathe out and smile. 'Can't I visit my little sister?" She grins. 'About time you come to visit. Let me show you around." Maria tells me about their renovations and how the fireplace is upgraded from the one I saw the last time I came here years ago, as Maria likes to remind me. We find Karl in the kitchen, picking beers, probably for him and Ethan. He smiles upon seeing me, and although he's in simple gray slacks and a white T-shirt, he appears groomed and ready to step into court any minute. 'I'm sorry about yesterday," I say. 'Don't worry about it." He offers me a beer. 'Like you, I don't want my son near that crowd." Although he doesn't say it condescendingly, I know exactly what he means. Karl was brought up by one of the most successful lawyers in the country. While he's not the morality police, he's not entirely comfortable with Maria's criminal legacy. He just wants to live an everyday life with his family, which I completely respect. 'Thanks." I motion at the beer. 'But I'm not drinking." 'Rose!" Maria grips me by the arm. 'Are you—" I place a hand on her mouth and drag her with me. 'Excuse us." Karl smiles knowingly. 'Take your time." As soon as we're in an adjacent dining room and out of earshot, I let Maria remove my hand from her mouth. She stands before me, touching her hip and tapping her foot on the ground. She really acts like Mom sometimes. 'Spill, Rose." 'What?" I feign innocence. 'You're pregnant, aren't you?" 'What gave you that idea?" 'Thanks, but I'm not drinking." She mimics the tone I used. 'Only that?" "That's the exact same line I told Karl as soon as I found out I was pregnant with Arden. Also, you're all radiant—your skin is glowing, and your hair is shinier. That's what's different about you." 'You're imagining things." 'No, I'm not. You also look at Ethan as if you want to ride him standing. I did that during my first trimester. The position isn't exactly comfy, but it's fucking hot." 'Too much information, Maria." 'Stop being a prude." 'I'm not a prude. I just don't like talking about these things aloud." 'Which is the definition of a prude. So am I right, or am I right?" I can never win with her, so I sigh. 'Yeah, fine, I'm pregnant." She squeals, jumping up and down like when she won whenever Mom played hide and seek with us. I guess Maria kept more of her childhood self than I did. That part of me died when I realized what it meant to be part of the brotherhood—that if I don't kill, I'll be killed. 'I'm not keeping it," I say, low enough that I'm almost sure she didn't hear me. But Maria stops jumping, her expression more worried than judgmental. 'Why?" "Because…I just can't bring a child into my world." 'What are you talking about? At this rate, you're just wasting your life away." 'I'm not wasting my life away. I'm building it. There's a difference." 'Okay, fine. But answer one question." 'What?" 'Do you want children?" 'I…don't know." 'Have you ever thought about motherhood? About Mom?" "I think about her all the time." I clear my throat when my voice catches. "But I won't be her, Maria. I will not give birth to children knowing they will suffer in the crime world." 'Did you suffer?" 'No, but that's because I had Dedushka." "And your child will have you, Ethan, and his badass auntie, too. Ash and I started taking Muay Thai classes, and we can kick ass." She steps back to show me a pose, and I smile a little. "So before you make any decisions, just think about it, okay?" 'I have, and my decision is final." 'Is Ethan fine with it?" 'No, but his opinion doesn't matter." 'He's the father, Rose." 'And this is my body. He had no right to plant his seed there without my permission." My voice rises, and I breathe through my nostrils to calm down. "I didn't ask for this. I'm not…I'm not fit to be a mother. I'm not you or Mom, Maria. What…would happen to my child if I somehow died? Huh? And Ethan? That bastard's lifestyle is even more dangerous than mine. Sooner or later, he'll leave, whether by choice or by a bullet. And then what? How am I supposed to carry that weight on my own?" "Why can't you?" She rubs my arm. "You're the strongest person I know, Rose. You've been my hero since you stepped before Ivan and said, 'I'm Rose Amber.' I trembled in the corner like a stray kitten in the Rosen, but you didn't falter or look back. You took my place without hesitation and gave me your comfortable life. You saved me, Rose, in more ways than one and continue to do so sixteen years later. Why would you doubt your motherly skills when you've had them since we were kids? "Besides…" She wipes the tear that slides down my cheek. "We'll all die one day, so using that as an excuse is pointless. You're just scared, and it's fine. I was constantly afraid of what type of mother I'd be. I still doubt myself sometimes, but Ash and I hold each other through it all. It's like one of us would fall without the other. Arden is the best gift I could've ever gotten. So I don't want you to make rash decisions without thinking clearly. That being said, if you still want to abort, I'll be right there, holding your hand through it." 'Maria…" "Come here, big sis." She hugs me, and I close my eyes and let her warmth envelop me. "Although, five minutes is too unfair. I should've come out first." I chuckle, pulling away to stroke her hair. 'I feel so much better after talking to you." 'That's what twins are for—though you're losing your privileges after you hid your marriage from me."