CRACKS IN THE MASK

Lena's POV Everything appeared to be drawing in on me. The walls of the hideout were smaller, the air heavier, and even my ideas appeared disjointed and disorganized. Completely unaware of the storm developing within me, I stood at the window seeing the city below move in the same cadence it usually does. I ignored the lights, the people on the streets, even the threat lurking above us. Finn seemed all I could think of. From earlier, his comments still ring true in my ears, jabbing with doubt and annoyance. I was not someone he trusted. After all we have gone through, the idea still slices deeper than I would want to admit. Still, could I make him answerable? Not even I fully trusted myself. Finn's voice cracked the silence, his sudden presence in the room startling me. "We should talk." Turning to face him, I sought to conceal the doubt and fear I had been battling. In terms of what? When I asked, my tone came out more defensively than I had meant. Finn obviously stressed something between us by leaning against the wall with his arms folded. Not precisely, he was not enraged. His eyes imply something more, something like hurt. You have been retreating. Lena, I see. I am not blind; I live. I dropped my hands and swallowed hard. Sure, he was right. Obviously, he was right. Still, how would I explain it? < The weight of our activities and the secrets we were keeping was beginning to be intolerable. Everything had driven me into a terrain I knew I negotiated: Jacob's comeback, the looming showdown with Beckett, the sense of our short time. "You think I'm distancing yourself from you?" I said at last with a forceful voice. "I think you're pulling away from everything," he said, pushing off the wall to approach. "You don't engage with me the way you used to. Every time I ask what you are thinking, you exclude me. And I:—" He inhaled a long breath and stopped. "I don know what to do with that." I laughed, bitterly and shockingly even for myself. You think I am excluding you? I shook my head, unable to stifle the sensation rising within me. Do you know how hard it is to keep composure? To make sure I won, fall apart with all we have gone through? Finn's jaw tightened but his eye relaxed. "Lena, I am not asking you to keep it together. Would you kindly let me in? To have at your side. That hit more powerfully than I could have imagined. The truth was, I had no idea how I could let him move forward. Everything would tumble around me if I let go of the authority I was wielding. It terraced me. Added us. "I'm scared, Finn," my voice stammered. Before, I had not said it aloud. "I worry about losing what we have produced, including you. But I also worry about what would happen should Beckett not be stopped. Should we fail, what would happen? His appearance softened even more, and it occurred to me then also how much he had been bearing. He walked ahead till his hand found mine. Quietly, he said, "We're not going to fail." Though I cannot accomplish this by myself either. Lena, you are very needed with me. Each person. Squeezing his palm, I could feel some of the ice around his heart melt under her influence. Meaning it, I said, "I'm with you." "I only am... I'm looking for strategies for staying strong. Drawing me into his arms, he added, "You don't have to be strong all the time." Closing my eyes, I allowed myself to slide toward him and experienced the familiar solace of his hug. But I knew that would not continue even as I let myself experience that vulnerable moment. Not only for Beckett, but for battle also ahead. Before all of this, the real struggle was inside each of us as we tried to cling on to the people we had previously been. I woke up later that evening as the city settled and Finn finally dozed off next to me. I started staring at the ceiling. The shadows engaged me in games of my imagination, transforming into the faces of the people we had lost, the choices I had made, the road I could not turn back from. I got out of bed carefully so as not to disturb him and went to the small kitchen. The low streetlight barely illuminated the chamber, so dimly glowing everything. I filled a glass with water to assist me cool my racing thoughts. At that instant I heard the front door creaking just slightly. My heart sprang into my throat as I reached for the knife tucked under the counter. Every muscle in my body clenched, my senses strengthened as I went softly approaching the door. Jacob stood in the entrance, his body defined by the light from the corridor. Even though his face was shadowed, I could feel his strain. It didn't seem right. Here, what are you doing? I spoke softly yet forcefully. He turned to check whether someone had followed him, then entered the room totally and locked the door behind him. His voice almost above a whisper, he said, "We need to talk." Tightening the knife, "I thought we agreed you would stay away from us until we were ready to move," I said. "You turn up like this—' "There has been a change of plans," Jacob remarked, his voice crisp. Beckett knows we are on route. His remarks came to me as a gut-reversing blow. What then? How am I to do this? Pacing the little space, Jacob ran a hand over his hair. "He's getting ready for us; I have no idea how, but. He was double his men and setting up traps while they were conversing. If we go tomorrow, we have no chance. The chamber felt whirling. This isn't happening. Not now, not with our rather close closeness. I had not been ready for this even though I knew Beckett will not go down easily and this mission was perilous. none of us have. So what do we do then? My voice hardly steady as I asked. Pacing stopped, Jacob looked toward me. His eyes were keen, full of something I exactly named: fear, desperation, maybe even guilt. We had to get off tonight. Before he gets time to fortify his fortifications. I spin my head away. "We cannot just change the path of action right before us. Finland:—" "Finn doesn't need to know," Jacob murmured, cutting me off with a low but firm voice. There is nothing whatsoever about this related to him. It is survival-oriented. My brain was whirling, I corrected him. Could I take his word for it? After all Jacob had done—after all the lies and betrayals—could I really believe he was telling the truth now? I said softly, trying to detect Finn's reaction, "You're asking me to go behind Finn's back." "I'm asking you to save his life," Jacob said, his voice stern. "You and I both know if we wait, Beckett will knock us flat. Our only opportunity is this one. The decision weighed down on me as my heart thumped in my chest. I had to make a decision and act right now. Act without Finn to break his trust, or follow the travel map and risk all our lives. Jacob's eyes stayed on me, his attitude unchangeable. "Lena, you will act if you value Finn or any of us." I hesitated, every impulse screaming at me to wake Finn and tell him everything and head off. Still, I related to something in Jacob's comments. Beckett developed ahead of our time. Moreover, should I delay acting now, we might not have another chance. "Fine," I said just above a whisper. But should this go bad, it is on you. Jacob nodded, relief bursting across his face. "I will select the others. See me half-hour from the warehouse. I stayed there for a while as he slipped out the door, leaving me alone once again; the weight of what I had just agreed to was sinking in. I knew what to do. And there was no reversal at hand. But as I went back to the bedroom ready to wake Finn and lie to him for the first time, a small voice in the back of my mind mumbled the one reality I avoided. I wondered if I could count on Jacob. Worse—I questioned my own capacity for faith.