BLAME GAME

VALERIE As I'm pulling the white tank top over my head, I look at my new room. Memories of how I had stayed in this Pack six years ago pops in my head. 'Were you the reason she left the Pack? Did you force her to leave the Pack?' I can hear my mother saying that to Edith in my head. The previous events are replaying in my mind. How could she blame them? I never knew any of them until I left this Pack! I need to clear her head once and for all. I open the door to my room and see Shawn lightly banging the back of his head against the wall. "What are you doing?" I ask him. "It's either this or me kicking the door open." he says and my cheeks are on fire all of a sudden. He's shamelessly scanning me. I'm wearing a white tank top with a shrug and blue knee length cargo, the dress isn't torn. Blushing, I looked down. "What is that?" "Donald gave me this." he says, handling a large photo frame in his hand. I had asked Donald to get it on purpose after I was pissed when I saw that mother had kept my old photos in the room. It is a picture of me and Evie in our best friend pose with rest of the Pack making funny faces behind us. I go and take the frame from Shawn and tear the bubble wrap and the paper that is covering it. Standing up on the bed, I place the photo on the wall near the bed with a huge grin on my face. "When did you take that picture?" I hear Shawn asking me. "On my eighteenth birthday." "When did you shift?" he asks curiously. I freeze. What am I supposed to say? Ever since I came back, nobody has asked me that question other than my mother. "Fifteen and half." I tell him and get down from the bed. "Strange." He tells me and I notice the curiosity in his voice. My heart is hammering in my chest and I can hear it in my ears. My legs are shaky. I know what his next question is however, I don't want to answer it. "Why was it so late?" he asks me, the question being obvious. I expected it. "I don't know." I say and pray that he won't make out the nervousness in my voice. I don't want him to know about me. Not yet. I'm scared he will refuse me because white wolf comes with a baggage of problems. My Pack has to face Mark Ambrose because of me; I don't want any more enemies to the Pack that's why I chose to hide the fact that I am a sole white shifter! If Mark Ambrose comes to know that Shawn is my mate, then he won't spare him or his Pack. Already many members of his Pack were killed and I cannot bear to think of Shawn getting hurt in any way. So, before he can ask any further questions, I spoke first. "I will see you later, I want to have some words with my mother." I tell him and walk past him. All the way, I'm aware of his curious gaze on me. When I get downstairs, I've somehow managed to compose myself. My friends and Jasper are in the living room. I look at Edith whose eyes are red from crying and I recall the heinous way my mother had blamed her. "Where is mother?" I ask my brother. "Abed took her home." I nod my head and make my way towards the house that I had sworn never to step my feet on again, six years ago. The house looks dull and old now; it looks like some old couple are living in it. Evie has told me that like Shawn, Jasper also has a new house. And Sheila, I don't know where the hell she is! Did she find her mate and leave with him? I open the noisy gate and my eyes fall on the garage that I used to live in. Ignoring all thoughts from my mind, I go and knock on the door. I hear the sound of the gate opening and see Evie coming in. "I couldn't leave you alone." She tells me smilingly. "Neither could we." I hear Nathan and Oscar saying and I look at them. My eyes sting as tears threaten to spill, this is my family! The door gets opened and my father stands beside it. "Valerie" I hear my mother saying. "Hello mother." I say dryly and all the anger starts building inside me. The anger is the one that I have covered up all these years. "Jasper is also here." She says and I turn to look at my brother with my mate. I enter the house and look at my mother whose eyes are also red from crying. "I knew you would come back, I always told Idris you both will." She says happily and I look at my brother. He had left the house on purpose? "I came here to talk mother, not to stay under this roof." I tell her harshly. "Talk?" she asks like the word is new to her. "Yes, talk! I do not want you to do a repeat of what happened today. Nobody in my Pack is to be blamed again!" I tell her. "No, this isn't you talking. They have put words into your mouth. They..." it's all she has to say before I yell at her. "Oh! For goodness sake stop blaming them! I didn't know any of them, when I left this Pack. Leaving this Pack was my choice. It was my decision. I couldn't bear any of it again. Each one of you had put me through hell!" The tears are unstoppable now. "Each one of you. I had no one, no mother, no father, no brother, no sister and no friend. I was hoping, praying that one day you will accept me for what I am. One day you will come and take me back to the house. Then again no such thing happened. Every day was the same, humiliation after humiliation. Weak, coward, loser, those were the words my day would begin and end with. I was beaten, thrown... treated like a rag doll!" I look at my father now. "Nobody cared, none. I was human right? I was a shame to you all." More tears start to come. "It is difficult for me to forget the way you closed the door on my face mother, when I showed you the wounds. I was fourteen then, whipped because I couldn't polish father's shoes. Why? Because I chose to do my homework first which is a sin right?" I ask her sarcastically looking her dead in the eye, while she sobs. I look at my brother. "They adopted us, but I was your own sister like just like Sheila, then why did you treat me like dirt? He was no one to me then," I say pointing at Shawn and I see him flinching, "But you were my own brother. Why did you encourage them? What had I done? What was my fault? That I was a human, not a shifter!?" I close my eyes and let the tears flow. "You know, when I complained about you to someone, she told me that you people are delusional, that you have a misapprehension about me." I say as I recall the words the moon goddess once told me and let out a small chuckle. "Funny, I could not understand what she meant then, but now... I can." "I have not changed. This.is.me! I wanted to beat the crap out of you all even then but I didn't because I wasn't capable of that. You didn't know me then, you don't know me now. You never knew me, none of you all did." I turn to look at Evie who is also crying. "Neither did Evie know me, but she accepted me for what I am. Loved me for what I am, without complaints. I had nothing when I met her. She gave me home, family, new friends." I smile, thinking about the days I spent with Evie and Zelia. "I found family again; I got everyone, a mother, father, brother, sister and friends. All new people, I never knew before, were caring and helping me when I wasn't even a wolf. They were there with me through good as well as bad times." I say recalling the way they tried to protect me from Dominic and other rogues. "Now you tell me mother, whom should I value the most?" I say wiping my wet cheeks and then walk out from that house. 'Come back soon.' Evie tells me through the link and I pause and nod at her. **** I feel the waves hitting my feet. Donald was right; I've missed on meditation ever since I came here. I cannot lose control like that! I throw my shrug on the shore and go for a swim. I'm now searching for a place to sit and meditate. There are a few rocks in the ocean, but they are all close to the shore. Anyone who comes close to any of those rocks from their Pack can see me. I guess, there aren't any other, therefore I climb one of the rocks and stand on it to look around. I can see the cliff above and I decide to try diving from there. It's the same cliff where the goddess had cursed the Hunters. To my right there are thick woods. To my left, the sea and the shore. I sit on a small layered rock between two huge rocks. It covers me from being visible to anyone if they stand on the shore, but if they are about to come swimming then they can see me. I close my eyes and keep my palms on either of my laps in a Gian mudra. A few minutes later, the noise around me starts to fade one by one until I can't hear my own breathing. I'm standing in the same place where white moon flowers entwine the white pillar; but there are some new things- the floor is tiled complete white. I look like I'm in a hall. There is a door straight to me that leads to a balcony which is open. It's in the other end of the room and I can see the stars in the sky. The moon goddess is standing in the balcony with her back to me. Her hands are placed on the silver railing and like always I can't see her face. I see her white gown and her long spine length black hair. "I found my mate," I just blurt out. "I know." I hear her saying. "I know you know," I say simply. "He is chosen as your mate because he is the only one capable of guarding you. He will protect you from everything, when you need protection." She tells me. "I didn't tell him." I tell her, realising I never told Shawn about my wolf. "You will, one day." "Will I have to leave my Pack then?" I ask her. "You want to join your old Pack?" She counters and I can hear the teasing in her voice. "No," I tell her grumpily. "I know. I heard what you told your mother." She tells me in a tone which implies she did not like the way I yelled at Amelia. "I was mad." I say to her. "You were not mad, you were sad." She replies, chuckling. "What?" "You were sad because you think they don't love you." She clarifies. "I don't think; I know they don't love me." I say to her while frowning. "I told you child, they are delusional." She tells me in the same calm voice while mine is raised a little. "Huh?" "They love you." She tells me confidently. "They do?" I ask her. I hear her chuckling, "They do." She confirms. Deep down, I know I'm sad. I always thought they don't love me. The Goddess is right! "Then why?" I ask her in a barely there voice. Why did they treat me like that in the past? "I told you, they are delusional. They had a misapprehension that you were not one of them." "So? That doesn't give them the right, right?" I tell her. "I know that does not give them the right, but they did not know what to do about you? And so they did wrong to you." "Does that mean I should forgive them?" I ask her, frowning. "That is up to you. However remember, forgiveness is given to those, whose hearts are sorry, not tongue." "I don't think I have it in me to forget it or forgive them... any of them" I say while lowering my lashes. The list also includes Shawn because I just can't forget what they did to me! "Then learn to forget it and forgive them. If you do not forgive them, then time cannot punish them!" she says and my eyes fly open in surprise. "As long as you do not let it go, I will not be able to do anything. You trap them in your memories and forget to live your own life. But when you let it go, not only will you be free, but so will they be and that is when I'll pick them and make them learn from their mistakes." "What if they are genuinely sorry?" "Then their suffering will be less." she answers calmly. "You will still punish them." I whisper and even though she does not reply, I know the answer. "It is your choice" she says instead. I open my eyes and see the waves. It's night. I came here in the evening when the sun was about to set. You made mistakes too, weren't you forgiven? A voice in my head asks. I'm not a saint. I've done a lot of mistakes. I've been forgiven. That's the moment I come to a decision to forgive them. I won't forgive them for the Goddess to punish them. I'll forgive them because the burden is too heavy and I want to let it go and live my life. I also decide there and then that I will tell Shawn and everyone else that I am the white wolf. They deserve to know. I'm walking in the woods when I hear Evie's voice in my head. 'Come home ASAP, someone found their mate.' She says happily. 'Who?' 'Come' she says and blocks her mind. Urrgh! I hate suspense so I run to the Pack House. When I reach the house, I find Evie laughing and chatting with Cherry whose hands are entwined with Ivan's. "Oh dear Goddess, Ivan?" I squeal like a little girl and go to hug both of them. "I am so, so, so happy for you. I just cannot express my feelings. She is such a sweet girl" I tell Ivan after parting from the hug, 'and she loves Dorah Caren!' I tell him in the mind to which he rolls his eyes. I'm truly delighted that he has found his mate. He has basically been a loner after his parents were killed by Archie. He would change companions because he wanted his mind to be diverted. Now that he found his mate, he'll have a constant companion who I am sure already loves him. "Thanks" both of them say shyly. "Aww..." I coe grinning, clasping my hands together. 'I didn't tell her about you yet.' he tells me in the mind and I nod at him. Cherry belongs to Silverstone Moon Pack now, but when she joins Riverside Moon Pack, she'll come to know that I'm the Alpha because I've to accept her to my Pack. "Pic please," Evie says and she takes pictures of me with the new couple. **** I'm in the library with Cherry looking for some good novels. I want to tell Shawn about me but he's nowhere to be seen. I've gone to his house, but it's locked. Abed has told me that he went hunting. So, I decide to tell him when he returns. It's noon now; still there aren't any news about Shawn returning. I'm standing next to a shelf and reading a synopsis of a novel when I feel an agonising pain in my stomach. The book in my hands fall down when I clutch my stomach tightly with one hand and use the other to hold a shelf so that I can stand up straight because my knees are becoming weak. The pain is unbearable and my heart beat starts increasing. My hold on the shelf loosens and to grip it firmly I hold it so tight that the shelf starts shaking. My breathing is heavy and I'm sweating. I want the pain to go away so I'm gripping the shelf harder until a chunk of wood comes in my hand. Before the shelf can fall over me, Cherry shoves me to a nearby wall. As soon as my back touches against the wall, I slide and fall on the ground. She comes and stands next to me just before the shelf can make contact with the ground. I notice that all the books from the shelf have fallen down and the library lady is coming running towards it. "Valerie? What's happening?" she asks me and I don't find voice in me to answer her. She's calling me again and again but my focus is on the pain in my stomach. It feels like someone has chopped a piece of my stomach off. My wolf is growing restless inside me. She wants to see him, our mate. Slowly, the pain starts decreasing but I'm still panting. Shawn...is the only thought that I have in my mind. When I feel that I'm able to stand, I stand on my feet and run out of the library. I hear Cherry calling me but I want to see him, my mate. I feel something is wrong. Shawn is in pain. He has not marked me but since we know we are each other's mates, I can feel his pain. I'm running in the woods now. I'm going where my feet are taking me. Standing in the cliff, I look around but there is no one here. I look below the cliff at the ocean and then the woods. There are a few broken trees near the ocean bank which weren't there yesterday. I turn around and run back into the woods. I hear growls and whimpers of pain. There is only one scent that is familiar...it's Shawn's. The rest are of the....rogues. I run following my Shawn's scent. When I reach the spot, I notice five wolves dead on the ground and around ten wolves fighting with Shawn's black wolf. A growl comes from my chest and I hear a gasp. I look at the person standing behind a tree, Jimmy. I recognise him from the photo. Another threatening growl comes from my chest. I recall the way they were laughing that day, six years ago, at us. It fume in anger. This is what I don't want, my mate getting attacked. Suddenly, a red wolf tries to jump at me but Shawn's black wolf lunges and throws him to a nearby tree. Shawn's wolf stands in front of me growling and daring anyone to come close. I don't miss the look of understanding that crosses in Jimmy's face. He figures it out. He waves at me and starts walking backwards smirking at me. He now knows that Shawn is my mate and he will inform to Mark Ambrose, which I will not let happen. My claws come out and a growl comes from my chest. I want his blood. I want him dead! That's the last thing I remembered being sane before my wolf takes control over me. She wants one and only one thing. Blood!