46.2- Reason To Stay

'You have weakened me." He confessed, sharing the real reason why he was disgusted- it was true and he didn't want to accept it, "You did what no one could…" Sitting up as well, my smile faded, giving his hand an assuring squeeze, 'That's my point, Sebastian. Even if I did, what's wrong with that? Am I going to use it against you? Am I going to leave? Then why?" I murmured, closer to him, holding his one hand with my both how he did. 'Why don't you accept that it was not that you lost your mind but you felt weak that you might not lose me and did all this in spur of emotions." I asked, pulling him towards me, not parting my eyes from his exquisite ones. Closing his eyes, he nodded, not lying anymore, 'I did…" Smiling sorrowfully, I cupped his cheek, making him stare back into my eyes, moving my thumb gently over his cheek. Extending my hand won't hurt, right? When he could punish his hand then how hard can it be for me to hold him? 'Was it hard to accept?" I asked, bringing his face dangerously closer to mine. In the pitch-silent room, the sound of our tangling breaths became visible. 'A lot." He nodded, breathlessly, lowering his gaze with a distress overwhelming him, jaw clenched. Trying hard to stay strong but pulling my other hand away, I wrapped them around his neck. "Sebastian… look at me." I didn't want him to look down and not link our eyes together. No matter what, it hurt that he couldn't listen, that he didn't like me weakening me but to save it before it developed into a sting, I poured my emotions into my next sentence. 'I have one heart, My Love. Don't break it." He was taken back but moving my hand down, I held his hands firmly. Pressing my forehead against his, closing my eyes, continuing with my requests. 'Don't lie to me, don't disappoint me, don't neglect me, don't scare me, don't hurt me… please don't." On the verge of crying, going on with the list of things he had done to me. I might have tried but my mental health was not allowing it. I was traumatized and I was trying but how can I remove this fear? Changes won't happen overnight. It's hard for me to deal with this fear, with his dominance, with his presence. "Please don't." Pleading, I kissing his hands and rested them over my forehead, "Please-" But, perturbed at my reaction he pulled his hands away instantly, "Don't do this, I heard you," He whispered, holding my hands. "I can't promise that I won't because I don't trust myself but I promise I will try my best, Eileen." He whispered, kissing my forehead to reassure me, evoking eerily gratifying sensations to my core. He wouldn't do it for anyone but me that only leads to one thing- 'Do you love me, Sebastian?" I asked expectantly. And that was the only hope I was clinging onto. 'What about you? Do you want to leave me? I heard you saying you want to leave." He asked, counter-questioning, pulling away, giving me silence in response again. But, before it could shatter my heart again, I said what I intended to tell Ruben but couldn't when he asked to work this out. 'Give me one reason to stay and I will." I whispered, moving to his laps, staggering him at my hopelessness but that was all I needed, a reason which he never gave. All he ever said- Stop. 'What…?" He was taken back, thinking he heard me wrong, giving me a chance to correct my words. 'Yeah, because as far as I remember you want my voice to stop, you want me to stop. You didn't want to continue this relationship then why do I stay?" I asked, holding him firmly, making an almost crying face, praying for one spark to evoke in his heart. 'Give me a reason, Sebastian." I pleaded, lowering my head and embracing him, my hands wrapped around him, holding his shirt firmly. He embraced me as well, making my heart pound hard at the warmth I gained when he snuggled to my neck as we held each other. Biting the inside of my cheek, I closed my eyes, pulling his shirt. 'Because I need you, Eileen." He whispered, not saying what I wanted to hear after all this try but it came from the bottom of his heart and it was enough. It tranquilized my heart. Closing my eyes, I smiled but I wanted to push him beyond his limits so I pulled away, wiping my smile and holding the hem of his shirt. 'I don't want that one. You need me, and me? What will I gain? I am sorry but that is not how things work. I stay here because you need me but why would I stay? You don't even show affection. All you do is scare me and bring us to one point. You don't express any endearment or sweetness." I complained, hitting his chest lightly. Knowing these words might hurt him and I had already gained my answer but I wanted to see where it could lead us. 'Say you love me, that I am where no one is and will never be and I will stay. Say it." I asked expectantly, almost demanding. "You want to know my answer?" He asked sternly. "Yes." I nodded, ready to confront whatever he would say because I had already found my one reason to say. Sebastian could never accept it but detailing it another way, he held my hand. 'Right now, Eileen…." He began to say, pressing my hand on his heart and I couldn't help but to stare at his face in mesmerization, losing in it. 'If I take you out from me." He continued, pulling my hand away from his heart, looking down again, completing his sentence. 'I will die." Gasping, I yanked my hand and covered his mouth, 'Don't." I didn't know what took over me but when he said it, it pierced my heart. 'Don't say this again." Shaking my head, my voice broke, embracing him again, resting my forehead on his shoulder, refusing to open my eyes. Pushing him beyond was worth it after all. Finding my one reason to stay finally. The answer I searched for. He will die. 'Don't leave me ever again. I won't be able to bear it. I will burn this world if I can't have you." He mumbled, kissing my neck, his hot breath blazing my skin followed by synced breaths. 'So you love me?" I smiled playfully, pulling away a little. 'No, I need you." He chuckled huskily, shook his head, clicking his head against mine. And his chuckle was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard because it was pure. A solace providing genuine chuckle. 'Sebastian, how hard could it be to speak three words?" I hummed, brushing my lips against his cheeks, kissing them. Running my fingers down to his locks, smiling. Gleaming under the beautiful night with unexpressed emotions, with the talks buried somewhere along the way and the growing dread never allowed us to dig it up. But how displaying them became a source of salvation for both of us. 'Extremely." He replied sincerely, holding my waist, connecting his keen orbs to my features, sending strange sensations to my body. 'Should I wait? I can..." I asked hopefully, smiling, ready to wait forever just to hear what I couldn't. "Okay now not, but one day." I continued. He had to accept that I am the home he must return to after losing the world. One day, he will. 'I don't know…" He shook his head, kissing the top of my head, caressing my face and I didn't force the conversation further. 'Okay… We will see." I hummed. "Anyways, Can you hold me close tonight?" I asked, pulling his hand childishly, looking innocently at him. He didn't speak further and pulled me down. Holding me tightly, I rested my head on his chest, closing my eyes, hoping he would hold me protectively and he did, bringing a feeble smile on my lips. 'Don't go to work tomorrow. I feel exhausted, don't leave me." I mumbled, nuzzling closer to his chest. He kissed the top of my head, humming, 'Okay…" After tonight, I understood my value in his life- I was above all.