39- Two Small Words

~ Sebastian ~ Don't go. I couldn't tell her that. Two words. How difficult could it be for one to say it? Not at all. Two. Small. Words. After a devilishly long time, I caught a glimpse of my abyss last night. She was not next to me and I found myself at home. Without her, I felt like myself. Who I used to be, who I should be. Back to where there was pitch darkness everywhere. I was laying there, staring into nothing last night, feeling the blood I spilled. But, It didn't feel warm. The belonging was absent. For the past few months, her voice had been echoing mixed with mine and now I couldn't hear her, calling me, talking to me. I want her voice. That's where it felt homely. 'Boss." Her talks, her cries, her laugh, her fear, anything but her voice. I guess that's why I show mercy towards Eileen because I can't hear anyone in the first place but I heard her. How can I be merciful when a begging won't reach me? When I couldn't understand what they said? Yet, I heard her. 'Boss?" Is she weakening me? No, no, I won't let her. I would take her breaths away if she dared to do this. 'Boss?! Are you listening?" I dragged out from my abysmal thoughts, coming back to reality from my labyrinth, looking up at Jacob. 'Huh? What?" Blinking, I tried to focus on what he said but I was too lost in my thoughts. He sighed at my lack of attention and repeated. 'I said Asad is coming along with Sir Ruben. Should I send both of them back or not?" He asked, knowing how much I resented it when Ruben came with Asad but I had to bear with them. 'No, leave them be for now. I have to bear with him now." Ruben is already coming back after a year. I don't want to provide him a further reason to not pay a visit anymore by sending him back. He nodded but didn't leave which made me arch an eyebrow at him, waiting for him to say something. 'Sir, if I may?" He asked hesitantly, unsure what to speak. 'Hmm, what?" I hummed, lowering my head, rubbing my temples, closing my eyes briefly. 'Are you okay? You're acting strangely for a few days." He asked tentatively, worried about my response but I understood his concern. 'What do you mean?" I asked, not bothering to look at him and continued to rub my temples to ease my headache. I shouldn't have sent Eileen away. Should I call her? Why would she attend my call? 'Either you're too aggressive or completely zoned out. Is everything alright?" Jacob asked worriedly because I had never been like this, I was a man of pure bloodlust. My life revolved around blood, death, gore but ever since I married her, my rhythm had been disrupted. Or maybe because I have no experience on how to deal with a woman in the first place. 'Your Madam has mentally disturbed me." I finally told Jacob what had managed to imprison in my abyss. How did she do it in the first place? 'This is the first time I am hearing someone has affected you." He said, astounded to no extent. Thinking he heard me wrong but I continued with an exhale, looking back at him. 'That's the point. This is the first and I want it to be the last time when someone is actually intoxicating my ability to think." I told him about the problem which managed to hamper my cognition. 'You never had a lover or partner anyways. That must be because it's your first experience… You know, first love?" He trailed off nonchalantly but it stricken my features and perception. 'You do realize you have spoken too much, don't you?" I warned in a low growl, giving him a chance to change his sentence. 'Yes. I am completely aware that I have said too much but am I wrong?" But he didn't and pushed me more into those unwanted thoughts. Taking a deep breath, I replied honestly that yes. It's because it's my first time but- 'Exclude the love part. I have no intentions of loving that woman." 'Why not?" He frowned, thinking I was being stubborn but I truly didn't want to love her and I doubt I could tell anyone the reason. 'Why would I?" I frowned back, leaning back on my seat, resting my one leg over the other, determined to not let this happen. Defeated, Jacob continued again, 'Boss, If you allow, can I say something? But, don't be angry." 'Go ahead." I motioned him to continue, being kind enough for today to grasp a piece of his mind. 'I am sorry but, Boss, you had mostly prey upon those who are weaker than you. You have targeted them, you love ruining them. You are attracted to those who are weaker than you and in your case, Madam is the weakest prey you have ever caught." He said what I already know. It's my nature, I am well aware of it. I couldn't grasp the context of it. So what if I am a ruthless monster? That is my identity. 'What are you trying to imply?" I asked, furrowing my brows together, hoping to apprehend where he was going to lead this conversation. 'You had been attracted to her ever since you first saw her. You want to taint her. One way or another, you had always desired her." He said another known fact. 'I know. I even told that to Eileen as well that I had been yearning for her, to make her my prey since the first time. She knows it too." I shrugged casually. 'You bought her Father's company, sent a marriage proposal even though you didn't want to get married in the first place. Convinced your parents. You were engaged with her for months and now… look at you." To be honest, Now I don't want to witness where I am right now because I know I am not who I was.