59- Compensation

I remained in the bed, holding Sebastian while he was curled in my chest, sleeping peacefully in my arms probably for the first time in a painfully long time. My body was not in pain, he stopped before reaching an irrecoverable point. I kept staring at his face, his words, his confession echoing in my ears, razing my heart terribly. I never thought Sebastian would confess his love to me by crying badly during our rough intimacy. I stared at his features, trying to comprehend what led him to this point because at a certain point, he was acting crazily. 'What exactly happened to you? What do you exactly hear?' Exhaling, I pulled away a little to go to the bathroom and wear something too. But, when I pulled away, Sebastian's relaxed slumber was broken. Groaning, he moved back, stretching his arms out and opening his eyes slowly, realizing the state we were in and his eyes widened in appall when he noticed the cut on my lip after noticing I was not wearing anything. 'E-Eileen?" He gasped, trying to contemplate the situation, sitting up. "What h-happened?" Stammering, Looking at me and then at himself. Apprehension traveled faster than the speed of light in him. "D-Did I do this?" I remained silent and looked down after noticing how his hands were trembling in terror to fathom what happened last night. "Please don't remain silent. Tell me, what did I do?... please." He almost begged. He swallowed hard, coming a little closer as I noticed how he was clutching the sheets firmly out of dread of hearing something unbearable. I was powerless to greet the anguish in his eyes, dying for an answer I couldn't provide. "Did I r-r-raped-" His voice broke asking this but gasping, I shook my head. 'What? No." I tried to reassure him, I won't deny, the lust from his touch was undeniable. "I didn't call you to stop, we both know I can't resist.. It's just.." I couldn't resist it all these times. I couldn't but there was something else last night. I was frightened of his madness. I was frightened of his anger. I was frightened of his tears. 'This was not the first time where we were rough. It didn't hurt, we didn't even continue, we stopped in the middle." I whispered softly, looking up at him as I rested my hand over his but he pulled his hand away instantly. Shaking, he was horrified, trying to control himself but failed. He scattered by thinking and it was glistening in his eyes. 'No, I-I did something, didn't I?" He asked in his shaky voice, leaning closer to my face, panting heavily. 'I hurt you, didn't I? I couldn't hear you again, right? You cried to stop me but I didn't?" He asked in a cracked tone, bringing his hand closer to touch my cheek but stopped and pointed it towards my lips. 'I did this…right?" He asked, voice going lower, breathless. The dread on his features was ten times more intense than before when he raised his hand and punished his hand. 'Sebas-" Opening my mouth, I endeavored to let him know we were only rough, it was not nonconsensual. 'I made you scream na like I made Ruben? Did I hurt you somewhere else too? You won't leave me like Ruben, a-are you?" But, He was not ready to listen, making his assumption as if he gave me a scar similar to the one Ruben had on his face. He was afraid to make me scream like he did with Ruben. I had never seen Sebastian this desperate before and it clenched my heart terribly to find him weak. He was vulnerable before the mistakes he made. 'No-" Before I could make him listen, he slapped himself, staggering me, hitting himself before my eyes. 'Why do I always do this!?" He yelled, slapping himself again, cursing, on the verge of ravaging but now allowing himself to. "Why?! Why?!" The sound of his slap tore me apart. Taking loud and heavy gasps, his state was worsening. He needed therapy, badly. 'Sebastian, stop! What the hell are you doing?!" Gasping, I came closer, holding his hands to stop him from further hurting himself as punishment. 'How could I do this?!" His muffled shouting came, trying to hit himself again but I hugged him tightly, not letting him go with tears blurring my eyes to perceive what he was doing. 'Sebastian, stop, please…" I whispered, holding him rigidly, not allowing him to leave and let me witness more of his mental instability anymore. Looking down, he finally stopped struggling after a while, looking up at him with his frightened gray orbs, releasing a tear, 'What did I do, Eileen…?" Averting my gaze, I swallowed hard and told him what happened last night, cutting the part where he confessed his love and began to sob his agony out. I told him how he did this on the basis of a misunderstanding which made him gasp in appall. A fear I never sensed or noticed before was gleaming. It was like- What he feared the most occurred. But, what he feared the most, was beyond my comprehension. It was not the first time he was rough, he didn't make me scream, it wasn't the first time where he was insecure about Asad too then 'what' exactly he dreaded? 'I.. did that?" He asked vaguely, narrowing his eyes, losing his posture as I nodded slowly, pulling away a little from and going to the closet, wearing a shirt and an underwear. He wore his clothes too. 'I didn't want to create an ordeal out of it, forget it." I mumbled, my voice was low, hurt. I was anguished because I knew nothing. I didn't know why he cried, I didn't know how he fell for me, I didn't know what he was afraid of. I knew absolutely nothing. I said I love him but how can I love him when I was not aware of his identity? 'It passed like every other night, I would take some painkillers." I was about to step into the bathroom to take a shower but he held my shoulder. 'Eileen, I-" His broken voice called, pulling my shirt from behind childishly, resting his head over my shoulder, hitching my breath. 'Was drunk, insecure and scared, right?" I asked, swallowing hard, not turning back to him, sensing how rapidly my heart was racing when he held my shoulder. 'I swear, I didn't mean to hurt you, I couldn't hurt you, you know that, right? I know I am possessive about you but I couldn't do it…." He murmured, kissing my shoulder, hoping I would listen but enraged, I pulled away from him, pushing him away. 'It was not about hurting me, Sebastian, it was the reason why you got rough on me in the first place. The whole reason for you behaving like that. Of mistreating me. How could you not trust me?" I snapped, not forgetting the fact why it all started in the first place. I would have indulged myself last night, I was missing him, I wanted him. But, the fact it happened on the basis of mere distrust was breaking my heart. 'I heard him saying you would divorce me. I thought-" He opened his mouth to provide a useless justification but I stopped him. 'I don't want the pity explanation that he would take me away." I scoffed, folding my arms, returning a glare. 'Fuck him, ask me, do you think I would leave you? Didn't you trust me?" I growled in a whisper, pointing my finger at his heart in contempt, restricting the sob, refusing to cry. 'I lost my ability to think, I was afraid to lose you." He whispered back hopelessly but I moved back, smirking dryly at his statement. 'Don't say. You showed that to me very explicitly." I snickered, barely upholding my posture, trying not to break. 'Eileen-" Putting my hand in between I stopped him from coming further closer, 'I am not angry, I am not sad…" I told him sternly before meeting his gaze. 'I am just disappointed in you, Sebastian."