36- Things He Wanted To Say

Present ~ Sebastian ~ I was trying my best to focus on my work and not wander my mind towards the fact that my wife was with someone I resent the most. Telling him about our tale, making it notorious. Gritting my teeth, I tried to not think about it, to shift my mind to my work. Hoping anything could distract me from the perturbation and my prayers were listened to. As I was typing furiously to shift my mind to work, I heard the sound of rain, making me slow down a bit and listen to the droplets hitting my window as it began to rain. I love rain. Everything about it was so beautiful. The sound of it, the cold breeze of it… especially the memory it brings along. I stopped when it began to rain, lowering my gaze slowly sinking in it. Rising from my seat, opening my blinds to look out at the rain, leaning against the window, I began to stare at the rain. Whenever it rains, it makes me want to stop everything and stare at it to recall my favorite part and think about it over and over again. Each and everything about that day was etched in my mind. It was unforgettable for me. As I was staring at the rain, a question arose in my heart. ‘Have you reached my favorite part yet? Are you going to tell him or not?' 'I hope she won't skip the part I treasure the most. It would be unfair if she did." I sighed under my breath, only hoping she wouldn't cut the parts where I was not the villain of her tale. Closing my eyes, I drowned in that day, losing in it to recall each detail of the longest day of my life. How exquisite Eileen looked at the party. How foolishly she couldn't act. How her stomach growled. How innocently she looked at me. The way she looked at me. How deeply we talked, all of it began to appear before me. Do I love her? I don't know. But, that is when I realized she was more than my deepest desire. Because when we kissed, my life suddenly began to make sense. Back to Past When I kissed her, I turned oblivious of everything. Nothing but her affectionate actions existed. All my life began to feel meaningless before this moment where my lips met hers. Moving my lips upon hers, in a mystic rhythm as I held her hand, feeling the perfection of it, securing it beside her head. Kissing her passionately, pouring my endearment- which I didn't know where they came from- in my action. My mind stopped functioning. All I could focus on was the sensations of those lips attached with mine. My world existed in that moment. I wanted more of it. More of her. 'Sebastian." She moaned my name when we pulled away to regain our breaths, panting with an unbreakable connection of our eyes. I smirked at her crimson face. She indulged in our kiss after a long time, in the sensations she gained to feel my lips upon hers. She liked it and it brimmed my chest with whole new self-confidence I had never experienced before. Taking her other hand, I linked my eyes, not wanting to look at anything else but her. I want to forget the world and not stop as I took her hand in mine, pressing her palm on my exposed chest to let her feel my pounding heartbeats. 'See what you are doing. You make me want to lose control." I growled, pressing her hand harder on my chest, increasing my heartbeats by her touch. 'Not that I do it intentionally…" She whispered, averting her gaze to the side shyly which made me want to stare at her more. 'You're too fragile to be hurt, you know?" I whispered temptingly, caressing fingers across her tender skin, leading it down to her shirt, opening her buttons slowly. 'I thought a dangerous man like you would hate weak people…" She mumbled, shifting her hand upward to my neck, taking the strands falling on my face behind my ear. 'I do. I despise those who are weaker than me. It makes me want to crush them." She shivered when I confessed, opening her last button. 'To taint them…" Tracing my finger slowly on her side, making her quiver. 'To make them scream." Completing my sentence, I moved my fingers upward to her shoulder, holding her collar to bring her shirt down. Moving to her neck, sunk my teeth on her skin, sucking her sweet spot to make her moan my name so I could shift her mind to the pleasure from the apprehension I gave her by my sentence. Simultaneously removing her shirt, causing her to arch her back by my slow but burning action. 'M-Me too?" She asked hesitantly, moaning, biting her bottom lip in stress after knowing what I truly intended to do with my prey but couldn't in her case. Chuckling darkly at her exculpated question, I pulled away a little, cupping her cheek with my one hand. Connecting my eyes to her desirable lips, I responded sincerely, 'No." Shifting closer, I held her waist, she was only in her undergarments which I wanted to rip open but for now refrained myself and pressed her lower body with mine to augment the seduction. 'You're my exception after all." I hummed, inclining my lips to her, taking her hands in mine, entwining her our fingers to feel the perfection of it. Everything felt so right as if it was meant to be. Her face was scarlet with rapid breaths, holding my hands rigidly, growing nervous as it had been a long time since intimation was this powerful and in-depth. Closing our eyes again, I pressed my lips against hers again, moving it slowly to engrave the tenderness of it to our mind, connecting our bodies and soul. For… once.. Losing myself wouldn't hurt, right? Losing our minds in the sensation and beauty of the moment, kissing with profound emotions. It never felt this powerful before but I began to crave more. I want more of her, I need her affection. Opening my eyes slowly, I looked at her, she melted entirely in the kiss, eyes closed, kissing me passionately. She looked angelic. It was so easy to say still I couldn't tell her but I badly wanted to- Smile for me… ‘Why would she?' Closing my eyes again, I focused on the kiss entirely to receive a euphoria my body had never experienced before but since when has anything apart from bloodlust satisfied me? I was not allowed to gain ecstasy from what doesn't belong to my abyss. It was going beautifully. I couldn't hear anything, I couldn't see anything. Everything was locked. All that existed right now was her. Nothing but my Eileen. And that is what I wanted, it made sense, to exist in this very second. It felt right. It felt good. But- "Yet how could you choose your own lover to break?!" My eyes rapidly opened as I gasped, pulling away from her instantly, breaking our intense kiss. My heart skipped a beat as my throat dried for a second when unwanted appall washed over me. 'You are a monster, Sebastian Stellios." My lips trembled as I stared at Eileen who was bewildered but her miserable sight froze me. I did that to her. I did that. Are you okay, Eileen? 'Sebastian?" She asked, plopping on her elbows when I pulled away. Whatever stopped began to hit me with much force, things I locked away briefly broke their cage and assaulted my mind. I felt frozen. My body stopped functioning, looking at her abruptly began to ring my mind with words I never paid attention to before. 'Doesn't it hurt to break your own wife?" Why would you think it was pleasurable to her? Do you truly think she was liking it? She resents it. Lust is a natural reaction. Not your work- Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. 'What happened, Sebastian?" Eileen asked softly when swallowing the lump in my throat, I pulled away, averting my gaze, sitting back. The image of how terribly my touch frightened her flashed before my eyes and I no longer want to touch her anymore. 'I would rather be infertile than to give birth to your children, you hear!?" Shutting my eyes, I curled my hands in a fist, looking down. My heart rates amplified in a way they never did. My body never trembled like this before. Everything fell into a blur and I didn't know what happened to me. ‘Was it because… I tried to embrace her? But, it made sense, didn't it?' 'Sebastian…? Are you okay? You are shaking. Are you cold?" She asked worriedly, grabbing the blanket which fell on the ground and wrapped it around me. It was going so perfectly with undeniable pleasure. We were lost. Everything made so much sense at that moment. Life abruptly seemed beautiful but it disappeared before I could hold it. All of it felt exquisite and now all I could hear was screams mixed with her voices, cursing me for ruining her life. For shattering her dreams. Why?... Why? 'Say something, Sebastian. Don't scare me." Eileen called worriedly, holding my hands but I lifted my heavy gaze and looked into hers. What should I say? There was so much I wanted to say right now but I don't know how to. Smile for me. Tell me it felt good when I kissed you. Tell me you are not afraid. Tell me you loved my touch. Tell me I am beautiful like I do. Tell me you love me. Look at me the way you looked in the rain. Stop your voices. Stop your cries. There were many things I wanted to tell her but my voice refused to escape as I kept staring at her intensely. 'E-Eileen…" Licking my lips, I exhaled, gathering myself. Regaining my frontage and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her to my laps. 'Are you okay?" She asked softly, cupping my cheeks, perturbed but I didn't say anything and kept holding her like this. 'Hmmm." Humming, I was feeling numb, nuzzling to her neck, closing my eyes to find acceptance in her embrace to wash away the voice intoxicating my mind and freezing my mind. Holding her firmly without any intention of letting her go, I remained like this for the rest of the night, hugging her to escape my world while praying deeply in my heart. ‘Please don't hate me. I want your voice.'