44.2- Crestfallen

A tear rolled down my cheek, followed by a stream of them but covering my mouth, I muffled my cries. Even if he did love me, is that how one treats the one they love? I was sobbing under the shower. Worried about Sofia's health, about my parents. Praying for her safely, neglecting Ruben's words. My main concern was my family, not the words a guy told me on our first meeting. After relaxing my mind briefly, shifting it from the dread lingering over my head. I walked out, hoping to get a phone and let my parents know that I am okay and ask about Sofia too. But, the moment I walked out, I gasped when I saw Sebastian stabbed his hand with a pen, causing it to blood badly as he growled in pain . "Sebastian! What the hell are you doing?" I gasped, rushing to his side immediately, narrowing my eyes at the amount of blood. I didn't know what happened to me, my body acted on its own when I saw him hurting himself. "Oh my God, there is so much blood. What the hell were you thinking?!" I whisper-yelled, my hands trembling to touch his blood. I brought my hand closer but was scared to feel the blood. "What is wrong with you?" I asked, my mind went blank for a second, my mind shifted to his wound abruptly. Opening the drawer, I took his handkerchief, bringing my hand to wipe the flowing blood. But, grabbing my wrist, our gazes linked, his eyes were exhausted after regaining his posture and irredeemable actions. "I raised this hand, right?" His husky, breathless tone came, wincing by the pain, showing me the bleeding hand. "There you go. I punished it." He whispered, curling his lips upwards emptily, sorrowfully. Making my eyes widen and pull away abruptly from this psychopath. I moved back, narrowing my eyes, refusing to believe that he punished himself for raising his hand. Not hitting just for raising it. "You're crazy." I whispered, unsettled at his action. Did he truly punish himself? Coming closer again, pressing the handkerchief on his palm, making him sit on the bed. I got the first aid kit and sat next to him, applied antiseptic on his hand and wrapped the bandage around his injured hand. He was staring directly into my soul, distressing my whole functioning by his look which increased when Ruben's words came again. He could never love anyone. I was about to tie the bandage but he lowered his head and rested his forehead on my shoulder. I stilled at the unwanted contact, curling my toes to resist his breath blazing my skin. "You're exasperating to deal with. Always doing what pisses me off." He said hoarsely, closing his eyes but not reacting, I tied the bandage securely. Pulling away coldly, I pushed him back and got up to leave but he held my wrist, pulling me down on the bed again. "Why did you try to leave me? I stopped hurting you too. I even told you things I have never told anyone." He asked in a desperate whisper, curling his lips downwards, disquiet etched on his features. "I didn't. You didn't listen to me. You couldn't hear me…" I breathed out, not reacting to his sorrow. Not meeting his eyes, I couldn't do it anymore. "What do you mean?" He asked, furrowing his brows. "I was going to make them listen eventually and let me go back. I wanted to stay longer myself because you said two days." I explained impassively. "What?" He couldn't believe it but I yanked my wrist away from him and after realizing he messed up, his eyes widened. "I had no idea… I thought, Why would you stay with someone like me? What have I given you? I.. thought you would leave me forever…" He began to share his dejected perception, swallowing hard. "I-I.. am sorry, Eileen…" He let out a pointless but sincere apology and it couldn't fix anything. "For how many things would you apologize for?" I chuckled dryly, turning to him, taunting him which made him look down, ashamed of himself. "It was not the first time when you broke my trust and hurt me. In fact, that's what you wanted to do with me- break me. I am just a prey after all…. Since when has my voice reached you?" I snickered, biting the inside of my cheek to not release a tear for him anymore. He was not worth my misery. I curled the sheet, pressing my teeth together, infuriated at him, disappointed and heartbroken. 'No, that's not true… You know it, I have heard you, only you." Murmuring, he grabbed my hand and rested it over his forehead, staggering me at his action. "I am so sorry, Eileen. I couldn't think, I lost control. It all happened so rapidly.. you didn't attend my call too… I couldn't think… I lost it.." He whispered, softest his voice could go, bringing my hand down and kissing it with his eyes closed. But, where was this affection when for one moment, I desired it? Before shattering everything? What was the point of it anymore? Where was this Sebastian when I wanted it? "You truly did. You went way too far this time, Sebastian. You terrorized my parents, shot my friend, hurt me. What more do you want to do to gain your pleasure? Isn't it enough?" I asked, voice cracking because neither this so-called wound on his hand nor his apology could compensate for my broken heart. I had been counting each pain he has given me. It's not enough. "I thought you would leave me forever and it… frightened me. I didn't want you to leave me…" He whispered in a hopeless rush with extreme difficulty. My heart skipped a beat, not realizing what he was willing to do for my sake. "Are you afraid to lose me?" I asked vaguely, my shoulders tensed. Not wanting to hear an unbearable response. But, powerless to respond properly, he nodded. "Eileen, you are much more than my deepest desire." He continued, holding my hand with both of his hands firmly with an inexplicable desperation I had never seen in his eyes before. "You are my need. I need you next to me, with me, I need you in my life." He continued, voice growing lower, huskier, hoping to etch a single shred of sincerity in his tone. "I didn't lie, I swear, Eileen, you are my exception." And at this point, his voice broke, not leaving my hand. Eyes dying to find a single glint of forgiveness in my eyes but I kept looking down. "I trusted those words, what did I gain? Disappointment. You have told me too many lies." I chuckled, recalling how I believed in his talks before marriage, and how I held faith in everything he told me at the inn. 'Everything aside, I trusted you, Sebastian. I was terrified how you would react and Mama asked, are you going to hit me. I confidently replied no. Now, I am not sure anymore." I told him weakly, everything began to scatter. The tiniest progress we made disappeared as if it never existed. 'Eileen, don't say this… please." He whispered, pulling my hand and kissing it earnestly, refusing to leave my hand but I couldn't allow it. 'I have no reason to trust you anymore. Please leave my hand, you are frightening me, Sebastian." I murmured, moving my hand down, pulling it away and holding my dress, shaking in dread. His eyes softened in compassion, shifting closer to get a clearer glimpse of my face, hurried breaths, intoxicated mind. "Am I that scary?" He asked, voice laced with the fear of hearing ‘yes' but isn't that what he wanted in the first place? Taking a deep breath, I stared back into his eyes with my hollow ones, replying honestly, "Yes. You are." He shut his eyes to seal himself from my disheartened look, to hide the grief he could possibly show, to stop the realization of what he had done, he closed his eyes in defeat. Contemplating his expressions for a few seconds, I turned my head away, allowing him to drown into his homely abyss, not disturbing him anymore so I got up and left, leaving him all alone and crestfallen.